2.4.24 In My PJ's and Slippers, Outside Just Before Bed, To Breathe It All Away

Seems I somehow fell into the habit of going outside last thing before bed. In my slippers and pjs and favorite ancient grey polar fleece . 

I stand. Or lean on the car. I look up at the sky, the branches in the darkness or the moonlight. I breathe. I don't try at all.

Oh, sometimes in the back of my mind, I remember how little oxygen is probably in my bedroom , and here I am, positively imbibing! Alkalinizing my brain and bloodstream... Then I stop. And just stand there in the delicious cold . And breathe.

Then I see some little glob of conflict or some dumb leftover thing come wafting up. And I say 'yeah. It's true. Stupid glob. ' 

But beneath my tough talk , I get it. I let it be in me for moment. That feeling of betrayal I told myself earlier made no sense at all. I stand and feel the betrayal ... And it falls away.

Up comes some anxiety, rising and rising up.

 'Ewww' I say. I'm trying to relax, here. Gimme a break.'

But I get it, no matter what trash talk I do out there. I do.

 So I stand and breathe the anxiety instead of running or stuffing it or trash talking it, and it slowly dissipates. 

For real. 'Cool ' I say.

Then I just stand there and inhale as if it's the most delectable delicious wondrous tall drink of water. Wondrous. 

And as I exhale, seems so much besides carbon dioxide is leaving my body. My mind . My self .
I begin to feel chilled . Emptied. Quieted. Nothing there.

Save being outside in the cold, breathing deliciousness,

more tired with each inhale,

more settled with each letting go breath.