I's so easy to underestimate the direct and
often reactive connection between agreeing to do things we don't want to do and
an increase in internalized anxiety , self-criticism , and resentment.
We tell ourselves that when faced with these social situations, we really should be nice and smile and do what others seem to want.
We 'should' do the normal stuff that 'everyone' seems to like doing.
We should shove ourselves into situations we do not enjoy and do not want, be good and just shut up about it. Grin and bear it.
But sometimes, there are other options.
We can problem solve ahead of time options for simplistically communicating.
We can graciously and diplomatically maintain clear boundaries , without anyone's permission, while effortlessly sharing a "Thankyou so much ,aren't you thoughtful, but I'm not really one for that sort of thing. Do you ever enjoy doing this other thing? Let me know what you think! Hey, did you see that ________( fill in the blank with something you know they are interested in)".
Gracious deferral is firm but considerate , the secondary distraction helpful for 'saving face'.
Course, with a dear friend , we can just be direct and problem solve something we would both enjoy doing at a good time, expenditure , etc. etc. for all.
With others, when we acquiesce, we often have increased anxiety and frustration , because we are pretending in order to either please , or avoid conflict .
The problem with that is we set ourselves up to do something we really are not looking forward to, and with our polite social lies, lead others to think we love whatever that plan is.
Now, if we have great health , more than enough free time, or the social relationship is shaky and very important to us, it's often worthwhile to be very conciliatory in order to increase familiarity and closeness.
If we want to get to know others, and become acquaintances or friends, it's better to find offhand way of expressing appreciation for the invitation, and if it's no big deal , go ahead and try it out, making sure to leave in place a way to opt out politely.
We can then get to know them more, discover shared interests, and proactively suggest those activities.
Of course , if we are too picky, we will end up pressing our whims with few social connections at all.
The deal is i'm sneezing way similar to when were gradeschool kids. How do we begin building connections that are sincere, based on an easy-going flexible honesty, where we stretch a little, they stretch a little , and we all begin to enjoy the common ground.
We tell ourselves that when faced with these social situations, we really should be nice and smile and do what others seem to want.
We 'should' do the normal stuff that 'everyone' seems to like doing.
We should shove ourselves into situations we do not enjoy and do not want, be good and just shut up about it. Grin and bear it.
But sometimes, there are other options.
We can problem solve ahead of time options for simplistically communicating.
We can graciously and diplomatically maintain clear boundaries , without anyone's permission, while effortlessly sharing a "Thankyou so much ,aren't you thoughtful, but I'm not really one for that sort of thing. Do you ever enjoy doing this other thing? Let me know what you think! Hey, did you see that ________( fill in the blank with something you know they are interested in)".
Gracious deferral is firm but considerate , the secondary distraction helpful for 'saving face'.
Course, with a dear friend , we can just be direct and problem solve something we would both enjoy doing at a good time, expenditure , etc. etc. for all.
With others, when we acquiesce, we often have increased anxiety and frustration , because we are pretending in order to either please , or avoid conflict .
The problem with that is we set ourselves up to do something we really are not looking forward to, and with our polite social lies, lead others to think we love whatever that plan is.
Now, if we have great health , more than enough free time, or the social relationship is shaky and very important to us, it's often worthwhile to be very conciliatory in order to increase familiarity and closeness.
If we want to get to know others, and become acquaintances or friends, it's better to find offhand way of expressing appreciation for the invitation, and if it's no big deal , go ahead and try it out, making sure to leave in place a way to opt out politely.
We can then get to know them more, discover shared interests, and proactively suggest those activities.
Of course , if we are too picky, we will end up pressing our whims with few social connections at all.
The deal is i'm sneezing way similar to when were gradeschool kids. How do we begin building connections that are sincere, based on an easy-going flexible honesty, where we stretch a little, they stretch a little , and we all begin to enjoy the common ground.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHstyoGkMIU
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