I've been watching this realization approach slowly, over a number of days. Slipping up to the edges of consciousness , making a little noise, then quickly receding before I can grasp the thoughts. Today there it was, and I grabbed it finally, bird from air, opened my hand slowly, and took a look. Here is what it was.
When we're young adults, if we want, and we usually do, because everything does not go perfectly, ever, we all day long and years long reassure ourselves that some time somewhere somehow we are going to have very cool things happening, maybe in our lives. Some cool stuff.
Now, for some of us, especially if our family of origin had a tough time getting set up ok enough...what with jobs and ok pay and vehicles and home and clothes and a little leeway to get to relax and do some stuff, then that's what we tell ourselves is going to start happening. Somehow. Like, any day.
Course, this is what stopped happening for so many young people's families And parents and townspeople , that began being so upsetting and hopeless , that we went and got this Election we have right here. They were trying to see if something better and less desperate was possible.
If you grow up with enough stuff and kind good education and some financial help maybe from your family and connections because of family or friends or institutions or the color of your skin, then you get to go to the front of the line.
And naturally you begin to anticipate that all kinds of good things will be coming down the pike any day now, just because of who you are or how tall or light or smart or sharp you are.
When we get older, we pass those places on on the Parcheesi board, and the perceived distance between where we stand in our lives and the end of the game becomes clearer.
Our way of operating each day stops being so tied to the maybe great luck or accumulations or accomplishments that might happen any moment, and we begin to deal with what has and has not gone down in our lives.
The job we have or not, partnered up or not , divorced or not , kids or not , kids ok or not.
Pension and savings or not, purchased home and car/truck payments or not. Good health or not. Health insurance coverage or not. Polluted town and air and water and workplace or not . Safe community and safe kids and safe parents or not.
Racial safety and religious safety and gay safety and safety for women or not.
We tally all this stuff up, and the proportion of our focus each day becomes less and less about future dreams, and more and more about how things have gone down, and the most honest realistic way of sussing out our very best options, now that we are here. In this place, with these circumstances at this age.
It all changes fast. And though we have some hazy idea of this dynamic at age 21 and 46 and 59, we often neglect to stand straight and talk straight and deal with it face to face.
And yet, look what happens when we avoid looking. Seeing what is possible.
Lately I've been bringing my beloved to this. Crunching the numbers. Taking stock of what will be happening whenever he stops working. It's nothing he wants to look at . He says it's too stressful.
For me, not looking is the stress. Better the devil you know than the devil you don't know.
For me, if the real deal is slowly acclimating to arranging our living space so we sleep in the dining room and close up the house halfway and rent out rooms, then it is what it is.
We've chosen ideologically rich vocations, and need to go to ground and solidify things for the future.
Each of us has this, and many zillions of us are going to be spending our latter years realizing we should have moved out of cheap apartments into cheaper rented rooms way sooner, so as to have at least a limited nest egg before it all goes down.
But, hey, now I get what my subconsciousness was bringing to me.
Slowly passing by my sight, little by little, til I could get it together and realize it was true.
As we get older, the deal is less about spending our time hoping praying for good stuff to be accomplished or drop in our lap, and more so taking stock of where we are now, and what on earth to do about it.
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