Thoughts After 17 Years of
Parenting Grown Children-
It is so easy to unknowingly have lousy boundaries
and unrealistic expectations of our grown children.
When we talk disparagingly in any way about their sibling, or share information unless absolutely necessary, they will resent the intruding assumptions, and distance themselves.
What involved responsible supportive parenting now becomes invading their privacy, when we are noticed observing or commenting upon the current state of known challenges. We need to look elsewhere and deal with our perceptions or concerns alone, and take care when talking to friends to do so confidentially. Unless they come to us with their express and specified invitation, to listen and weigh in. It's simply the lay of the land. They grow up ; we slowly give them space to have their own lives.
We may expect them,as adults, to carry through with what they promise to do. This is more complex than it seems. Visiting us and saying they will make time to do something or help with something is sometimes more of a caring gesture than an actual plan.
Sometimes they initially gave this intent, but come to realize it is too much or too close. We can take it as a caring gesture instead of getting caught up in excited anticipation and then angry disappointment.
Our happiness is not their responsibility. Our welfare will not necessarily be their job. But if we can slowly build an amiable enjoyable relationship, it's possible it may fit for them to step up,as we grow older.
And then, we need to become realistically aware of what power we might hand over to them, in exchange for their support or responsibility.
Because the two are inextricably linked. So if you want to retain you choices, that may be different than theirs for you, or their comfort level, appreciate the visiting or help they may provide, and keep your cards to your chest. Problem solve possible arrangements and solutions for your aging and lessening ability to manage things. IF you are proactive and plan your own solutions realistically, no one will begin to keep careful watch on your driving, your frig or the state of your memory.
Our grown children are always still learning. In their own way. And for that reason, our own inevitable mistakes do not help us grow the type of relationship we would like.
When we infer to them difficulty with our spouse, ex-spouse, health or happiness, this is complex. Yet providing simple straightforward updates about an upcoming medical appointment or procedure is part of life.
Knowing their life and deciding whether to ask for help is up to us.
Seeing what else can do to plan on our own frees then up to help.
Knowing we take responsibility for ourselves, but their visit to help us is wonderful, frees them.
Sometimes we are in tough straights. We try our very best to foresee these things, and make our own most realistic preparations in our lives, that often involve unwanted compromises. But these things are our responsibility. And if grown children decide to be more involved , our autonomy can preclude guilt or resentment on their part, and enable their free choice to help.
Grown children take years to wisely process their upbringing, sibling experiences, how their siblings are now, who they are today, and how it was to be parented by us.
Even if we as parents didn't fall prey to the sometimes grave mistakes of our predecessors, each life has its own context, and within theirs, they can feel irreparably damaged by having moved too much in childhood, versus having had a violent parent. It takes us awhile to accept that.
Years ago, our US individualistic culture still retained social mores that involved automatic responsibility for parents and old age and more.
No more. These things are now more optional. Our parental sense that we put so much aside to give them this or that is our responsibility and ours alone. There is nothing we can expect owed back from them. It does not work like that.
It has taken me years to realize fully that, fit better or worse, our kids will not be little clones of ourselves. They will not take on the values or religion or habits or practices we deem most decent or important. If they are healthy, they separate off into their own lives, and discover their own priorities.
They are not our reward for hard parenting work, not our gratification due, nor our garden. So we turn, and actively nourish now our own garden.
We learn what works with them. To talk plutonium can it not. Health choices or not. They are right now filled to the brim with acute life, with alarming climate disaster abd a volatile political situation and an uncertain economy and a tough time to have good job training and create a stable life.
We are well served when we study how to come to terms with who our kids are, as they encounter and adapt to their place in these current times.
Our expectations are often the stuff of Disney Movies, our misunderstanding of how to invite connection often lousy, our acceptance of them in their independent lives frequently coming up short.
We can feel all kinds upsetness and disappointment and resentment toward our kids, but what took me so long to learn is that, regardless, I just might want to gain insight into my own crap, so I can manage to just Do What Works. Learn to accept them as they are. Set my own limits.
What we do have control over is our own messy assumptions and resentments, and then doing the best we can with what we have to build a good resilient life and real and valuable plans for our aging.
I now have learned the value of figuring out very simple activities and fun things to do that take the pressure off interactions. Our family does much better going and doing something that does not involve long travel and does not take long to do.
So I might say 'Bring something warm to wear and maybe a hat or sunglasses.' I'll bring them to alittle local ferry, pay for tickets with my saved pennies, and we'll spend 45 minutes side by side, no conversation necessary, going up and down the river. I'll take a few photos and a few little video clips and make a video later to save , maybe to show at another get together. I'll plan an easy meal of maybe tacos and corn on the cob and salad, and everyone will smoothly come and have a nice relaxing time and leave.
Sometimes they only show up with friends, to keep you from talking about stuff they find too intense. If you take the hint and refrain, they'll feel more free to show up alone, you all having learned something about setting limits.
Don't assume that, if they are halfway decent, they will unerringly come, like a homing pigeon, to holidays and birthdays.
If there is only one of them, understand this makes the relating harder at times. They can struggle with feeling obligated to see you, which does not fit more closeness make. They may struggle under the weight if knowing your difficulties, so sometimes it's better if we share those instead with friends or religious guidance or therapists.
Sometimes consider floating the idea to them of inviting someone wise, if you know they like this person , and one more will make them feel at ease.
Take responsibility for planning nice celebrations for your birthday or partner's or holidays, so that that kid gets that you all are great on your own, not lost and abandoned without them. Because feeling like they SHOULD send you cards or call or come visit , these funny days, does not make it a more fun thing they look forward to. No matter how we feel it should be.
If they get that you are relatively fine and dandy, and glad if they come and fine if you don't, they feel a greater freedom to feel show up. Even though, believe it or not, it's often not simple for them.
A few years ago I realized that my husband and I happen to live in The Scene of the Crime for two of our three kids. The area where they made pretty big mistakes, and associate the area with bad memories and lost times.
It's not our fault. It just happens. My husband and I had that reaction to our home towns, too. So some of them coming home involved them visiting their scene of the crime . Just how it is , our relationship with our past.
I also realized that it's easier for kids to come home when there's several of them. And if they like conformity enough. Normal stuff. The group thing makes them want to do it more.
Whereas if I had one kid,instead of three kids and a daughter-in-law, I don't think the group of them would look forward to holidays and birthdays as much.
With my family, I've learned to stay far away from talking about alternative health (my field), politics and world events. Unless I want them to say outrageous and not that informed things ( I don't) .
I plan funny games or places to go together that don't take too long. I follow up with meals they really like, and don't expect us to hang out for too long.
I plan funny cakes and crowns and candies and stories and hats for birthdays, and they laugh and don't fight and time passes and we have a nice time.
times go by.
While making sure they see that if they don't come by, why, here, we are more than happy enough.
It's sometimes hard to let go of the best of the best of the fantasy of the 'Old Ways' of families. But if you look closely, even those times we complicated enough.
It's nice as a parent to finally completely let go of that yearning for them to be different in any way.
And then, if they want, welcome them on in.
When we talk disparagingly in any way about their sibling, or share information unless absolutely necessary, they will resent the intruding assumptions, and distance themselves.
What involved responsible supportive parenting now becomes invading their privacy, when we are noticed observing or commenting upon the current state of known challenges. We need to look elsewhere and deal with our perceptions or concerns alone, and take care when talking to friends to do so confidentially. Unless they come to us with their express and specified invitation, to listen and weigh in. It's simply the lay of the land. They grow up ; we slowly give them space to have their own lives.
We may expect them,as adults, to carry through with what they promise to do. This is more complex than it seems. Visiting us and saying they will make time to do something or help with something is sometimes more of a caring gesture than an actual plan.
Sometimes they initially gave this intent, but come to realize it is too much or too close. We can take it as a caring gesture instead of getting caught up in excited anticipation and then angry disappointment.
Our happiness is not their responsibility. Our welfare will not necessarily be their job. But if we can slowly build an amiable enjoyable relationship, it's possible it may fit for them to step up,as we grow older.
And then, we need to become realistically aware of what power we might hand over to them, in exchange for their support or responsibility.
Because the two are inextricably linked. So if you want to retain you choices, that may be different than theirs for you, or their comfort level, appreciate the visiting or help they may provide, and keep your cards to your chest. Problem solve possible arrangements and solutions for your aging and lessening ability to manage things. IF you are proactive and plan your own solutions realistically, no one will begin to keep careful watch on your driving, your frig or the state of your memory.
Our grown children are always still learning. In their own way. And for that reason, our own inevitable mistakes do not help us grow the type of relationship we would like.
When we infer to them difficulty with our spouse, ex-spouse, health or happiness, this is complex. Yet providing simple straightforward updates about an upcoming medical appointment or procedure is part of life.
Knowing their life and deciding whether to ask for help is up to us.
Seeing what else can do to plan on our own frees then up to help.
Knowing we take responsibility for ourselves, but their visit to help us is wonderful, frees them.
Sometimes we are in tough straights. We try our very best to foresee these things, and make our own most realistic preparations in our lives, that often involve unwanted compromises. But these things are our responsibility. And if grown children decide to be more involved , our autonomy can preclude guilt or resentment on their part, and enable their free choice to help.
Grown children take years to wisely process their upbringing, sibling experiences, how their siblings are now, who they are today, and how it was to be parented by us.
Even if we as parents didn't fall prey to the sometimes grave mistakes of our predecessors, each life has its own context, and within theirs, they can feel irreparably damaged by having moved too much in childhood, versus having had a violent parent. It takes us awhile to accept that.
Years ago, our US individualistic culture still retained social mores that involved automatic responsibility for parents and old age and more.
No more. These things are now more optional. Our parental sense that we put so much aside to give them this or that is our responsibility and ours alone. There is nothing we can expect owed back from them. It does not work like that.
It has taken me years to realize fully that, fit better or worse, our kids will not be little clones of ourselves. They will not take on the values or religion or habits or practices we deem most decent or important. If they are healthy, they separate off into their own lives, and discover their own priorities.
They are not our reward for hard parenting work, not our gratification due, nor our garden. So we turn, and actively nourish now our own garden.
We learn what works with them. To talk plutonium can it not. Health choices or not. They are right now filled to the brim with acute life, with alarming climate disaster abd a volatile political situation and an uncertain economy and a tough time to have good job training and create a stable life.
We are well served when we study how to come to terms with who our kids are, as they encounter and adapt to their place in these current times.
Our expectations are often the stuff of Disney Movies, our misunderstanding of how to invite connection often lousy, our acceptance of them in their independent lives frequently coming up short.
We can feel all kinds upsetness and disappointment and resentment toward our kids, but what took me so long to learn is that, regardless, I just might want to gain insight into my own crap, so I can manage to just Do What Works. Learn to accept them as they are. Set my own limits.
What we do have control over is our own messy assumptions and resentments, and then doing the best we can with what we have to build a good resilient life and real and valuable plans for our aging.
I now have learned the value of figuring out very simple activities and fun things to do that take the pressure off interactions. Our family does much better going and doing something that does not involve long travel and does not take long to do.
So I might say 'Bring something warm to wear and maybe a hat or sunglasses.' I'll bring them to alittle local ferry, pay for tickets with my saved pennies, and we'll spend 45 minutes side by side, no conversation necessary, going up and down the river. I'll take a few photos and a few little video clips and make a video later to save , maybe to show at another get together. I'll plan an easy meal of maybe tacos and corn on the cob and salad, and everyone will smoothly come and have a nice relaxing time and leave.
Sometimes they only show up with friends, to keep you from talking about stuff they find too intense. If you take the hint and refrain, they'll feel more free to show up alone, you all having learned something about setting limits.
Don't assume that, if they are halfway decent, they will unerringly come, like a homing pigeon, to holidays and birthdays.
If there is only one of them, understand this makes the relating harder at times. They can struggle with feeling obligated to see you, which does not fit more closeness make. They may struggle under the weight if knowing your difficulties, so sometimes it's better if we share those instead with friends or religious guidance or therapists.
Sometimes consider floating the idea to them of inviting someone wise, if you know they like this person , and one more will make them feel at ease.
Take responsibility for planning nice celebrations for your birthday or partner's or holidays, so that that kid gets that you all are great on your own, not lost and abandoned without them. Because feeling like they SHOULD send you cards or call or come visit , these funny days, does not make it a more fun thing they look forward to. No matter how we feel it should be.
If they get that you are relatively fine and dandy, and glad if they come and fine if you don't, they feel a greater freedom to feel show up. Even though, believe it or not, it's often not simple for them.
A few years ago I realized that my husband and I happen to live in The Scene of the Crime for two of our three kids. The area where they made pretty big mistakes, and associate the area with bad memories and lost times.
It's not our fault. It just happens. My husband and I had that reaction to our home towns, too. So some of them coming home involved them visiting their scene of the crime . Just how it is , our relationship with our past.
I also realized that it's easier for kids to come home when there's several of them. And if they like conformity enough. Normal stuff. The group thing makes them want to do it more.
Whereas if I had one kid,instead of three kids and a daughter-in-law, I don't think the group of them would look forward to holidays and birthdays as much.
With my family, I've learned to stay far away from talking about alternative health (my field), politics and world events. Unless I want them to say outrageous and not that informed things ( I don't) .
I plan funny games or places to go together that don't take too long. I follow up with meals they really like, and don't expect us to hang out for too long.
I plan funny cakes and crowns and candies and stories and hats for birthdays, and they laugh and don't fight and time passes and we have a nice time.
times go by.
While making sure they see that if they don't come by, why, here, we are more than happy enough.
It's sometimes hard to let go of the best of the best of the fantasy of the 'Old Ways' of families. But if you look closely, even those times we complicated enough.
It's nice as a parent to finally completely let go of that yearning for them to be different in any way.
And then, if they want, welcome them on in.
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