3.11.17 How to find the balm, with chronic illness.

     Chronic illness sucks. Because no matter how others try to understand the specifics of whether you can talk on the phone or not, or visit in person or not, or do anything at night or not, or travel a few hours to their special celebration or not, or be as supportive as you yearn to be during their crisis or not, or manage your day to day small things or not, still, 

your lack of phone talking 

or visiting 

or doing at night

 or showing up at their special thing 

or supporting them in a tough time 

or keeping up 

is invariably interpreted inaccurately and as a personal affront.

     Your lack of normal friendly caring interactions is interpreted personally.
     Your kids have no way of knowing how you'd want to know them if you could, your partner no idea what you'd go do with them if possible.
     Your daughter in law doesn't even imagine how you would have loved to go out doing things together, to get to know each other.
     Your kids already don't really ever get why you can't even go see their homes.

     That celebrating that amazing graduation will take you out for two months, while the house becomes unkempt and you keep breathing in trust that you will regain your strength.

     It takes a lot of trust, chronic illness, and a whole big bunch of faith, that does not come easily or with any old store bought guarantees. No 'All New' or two-for-ones.
     Exhaustion and cautiousness with your health prevents you from interacting, so you can make sure you can at least do your dishes tomorrow and take out the trash and walk the dog , so that every carefully balanced thing doesn't go to hell in a hand basket. This is either gravely frightening to them, or some kind of insult.
     As if you are willfully holding back.
     Every once in awhile someone will see you more withdrawn out of physical necessity, and react unfavorably, til you notice, and manage to say just the right qualifier that provides just enough information that they'll not take it personally, but not enough that they collapse in frightened pity.
     And you know here are reams of stuff that just might be tougher, like gross dangerous discrimination, for example, or biased hatred, or so much more. 

     Lastly, chronic illness becomes especially difficult as we age. Because it's all too easy already for us in our culture to delegate any old symptom of any old older person to 'Age', instead of the cumulation of time here, and the basic linear logic of the situation at hand.
     These things all just happen in life, and when they do, we just buckle down and figure out what on earth works best.

The balm often is understanding. Others don't need to listen to war stories or details of misery or loneliness. That stacks the deck of the relationship which is already struggling to be some kind of reciprocal. But when another stops for a moment and really feels how tough it is, being isolated and without as many choices, so much feels so much more manageable. 

I always figure that at the very least, we can do this for each other, and hopefully, ourselves.