3.26.17 It would be just about now

     Sometimes we become so confused. 
     We think we want someone to be upset along with us,when we're upset. To be sad when we're sad. To just default it all somehow, honestly or by make believe, imagining that will make us feel better. Thinking someone else Should Make us feel better. 
     Imagining that this is what we want, and need. But it's not true, the fantasy of being so tied up to someone else that if we ache, so shall they. 
     And if we can't stand something another moment, neither will they. All that waste of time ,magical thinking.
     Really what feels best is the honest solidity of our true lives. Where the next door neighbor or cousin or sibling or partner or old friend may or may not notice or be willing or even able to sit with us,and empathize, while we wring our hands.
     The funny thing is, we in reality are not tied together with one another.
     And it would not feel better if we were.
     It would simply be double jeopardy. And let me tell you, there is plenty enough jeopardy in life already.
     What we learn, if we choose, is that it's our own responsibility. When we are having a snit or a three day mood. Or our partner is having his snit and three day mood, while making believe very nicely that it's happening TO him.
     It's our responsibility, if we find ourselves too alone or too crowded, or have bent over backwards for someone for a long long time, when they just thought we always walked bent over like that.
     Its our own responsibility to navigate this crazy tough confusing land of lives and misunderstandings and lousy backed learning curves and cluelessness and not always good intentions.
     Where in a flash an old friend manipulates you and uses you to fill their own yearnings, and then is chronically in denial to be present to talk it out without explosions. So you have to let them go.
     Where the plans we make leave out certain vital junctures, and we find ourselves tossed in big unfortunate surprises.
    Where, if it was a Disney Movie, it would be just about now that the fairy godperson landed in front of you , and offered to make everything perfectly alright.