I've been thinking a lot about the role of confirmation in our lives. The way in which being listened to, or having our perceptions be confirmed by another, enables us to keep on down the path of digesting experiences.
Confirmation can serve to give us a second opinion, when we are wondering at the clarity or veracity of our emotions or thoughts.
Confirmation can , alternately, shore us up, when we are playing make believe, asserting the truth of something we want very much to be true.
Confirmation serves many purposes, and when what we are intent on is clarity, we can observe the response of those we know and trust to be truthful with us. Because we will see what they will and will not confirm.
Confirm-1. to establish the truth, accuracy, validity, or genuineness of; corroborate; verify
2. to acknowledge with definite assurance, to make firm.
3. to strengthen
Recently I had a tough experience, and had the opportunity to watch how trusted confirmation helped me come to resolution.
An old friend had been generously coming by to help at our house, tirelessly cleaning and making order, doing all sorts of things we were unable to do for ourselves.
I kept watching and thinking 'Wow. Maintaining clarity in this kind of situation is tough, but we all seem to be pulling it off.'
After a particularly tough time with my husband's health, I turned and suddenly realized this was not the case, that I had let them venture too far into our household and lives.
I watched, as this kind, assertive friend got confused, and begin to determine the specifics of our repair people, angrily asserting renovation decisions, til I stopped it flat.
I understood that when you redraw boundaries after letting them go too slack, the enmeshed person will very probably feel loss and anger. After coming to think that another's life and home and decisions were, in fact, theirs.
Open to talking it over, I encountered enraged blame. A tough situation.
Because no matter what we experience with another, if they are able to have a calm respectful conversation, there is possibility.
If they have been angry and aggressive, their offer of a simple apology opens the door to so much. It's not that tough to express our regret, in case we have inadvertently caused distress, misunderstood, etc. etc.
Even a 'I'm so sorry we had this misunderstanding, or if I overstepped.', can often make all things possible.
An apology is a confirmation. It says ' I'm strong enough to reach out and not blame you, and offer my regret for any way I have unknowingly caused distress.'
It's kind of magic. Things still need to be sorted, but the way is open, the possibilities there.
I watched myself slowly digest this ( hindsight 20/20) disappointment.
I watched as I sat mindfully and meditated and the thoughts and emotions unwound. As they invariably bumped about with my old crap, and then settle once again. Taking the time to go on down the path.
I watched as I discovered ways I had made believe about myself, about my friend.
I watched as I remembered every time I'd noticed things, and then turned away, and avoided.
I began to feel better, and even grateful, to face ways I had turned aside and not been honest with myself.
I began to confirm my own lineage of observations I had previously turned away from.
Over a month, I spoke confidentially to four trusted friends. Who are always caring and stringently clear and honest.
Who gave to me confirmation of the great difficulty this must have been; and unfortunate choices this friend had made, that had harmed.
I watched, as trusted, non-indulging confirmation settled alongside my own growing clarity and peace of mind, watching as I took into myself these new understandings. And then watched as my day to day life now began to reflect these lessons, and change.
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