Today I was sitting cross
legged in bed, sorting through a huge pile. Of old magazines about health and
research and medical herbalism and naturopathy. On complex lyrical gardening.
Papers from when I was training practitioners, and from my practice. Papers I
loved and wanted to study and write articles about and teach. So many things.
I finished up by reading poems by an old client of mine, who I was very fond of, an older British person ,who had a complicated life, and was an intuitive.
I helped her before and after strikes and rehab places and inadequate back-home-alone situations. And so much more, til I got sick myself , and had to retire from being the protector.
I smiled at things and then tossed them in the recycling pile, deciding to cut most up into scrap papers, and leave out those most tender. Why see them again and again.
At the end, I was feeling so much loss and felt my brain chemicals begin to shift from the experience.
Til I realized this is now, and quick off, let's sit mindfully with all this. I mean, why waste time and energy and mood, when you can honor these precious things that are part of us, and honor, too, the great sense of loss?
So I closed my eyes and let them come, thought after emotion, saying to myself
"Ah, there, that's a thought." Or ""Yes. That. A feeling." As they streamed through me with great intensity, and then streamed on down the road.
Leaving me here, with the tender achey vestiges.
Truly, if we have a chance to include all we've lived and seen and been, without being caught in desperation or remorse, why not?
Why not digest these things as they come up, so we don't need to divide ourselves against ourselves in order to manage. But rather be present, right here and right now, for what is to come.
I finished up by reading poems by an old client of mine, who I was very fond of, an older British person ,who had a complicated life, and was an intuitive.
I helped her before and after strikes and rehab places and inadequate back-home-alone situations. And so much more, til I got sick myself , and had to retire from being the protector.
I smiled at things and then tossed them in the recycling pile, deciding to cut most up into scrap papers, and leave out those most tender. Why see them again and again.
At the end, I was feeling so much loss and felt my brain chemicals begin to shift from the experience.
Til I realized this is now, and quick off, let's sit mindfully with all this. I mean, why waste time and energy and mood, when you can honor these precious things that are part of us, and honor, too, the great sense of loss?
So I closed my eyes and let them come, thought after emotion, saying to myself
"Ah, there, that's a thought." Or ""Yes. That. A feeling." As they streamed through me with great intensity, and then streamed on down the road.
Leaving me here, with the tender achey vestiges.
Truly, if we have a chance to include all we've lived and seen and been, without being caught in desperation or remorse, why not?
Why not digest these things as they come up, so we don't need to divide ourselves against ourselves in order to manage. But rather be present, right here and right now, for what is to come.
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