2.16.17 Vast fields

     At the beginning of my days, often after reacclimating and reentering into life, I do the things we all do. We just have different pieces in each puzzle. 
     Mine is that I do enough animal things and get a complicated enough protocol of supplements and things out for my husband, that I can run off into the world, to go work out, and get home before I need to help with injections and other complicated things, keeping him hale and hearty and smiling, before he heads off to work. 
     Sometimes it comes to mind the great variety of morning routines that I, and all of you, have had, that have shifted and changed throughout our lives.
     And sometimes I spend these moments I am given, without thought or idea, simply sinking into the day at hand, while going about getting things done.
     When I used to work in my acupressure practice, there would be the welcome researching, and protocol creating problem-solving about clients, that I relished. Because over the almost 30 years I had a practice, there was this discovery every day that so much is possible.
     Sometimes I remember the various stages of parenthood, with one, two, or three babies and kids and ages and problems and loveliness and discoveries and funny moments and tragedies and how that all kept interminably shifting, until finally they were all ok,and off there in the world, in their own lives, in ways I never would've imagined.
     Today I make all of these capsules for various aspects of his health, to cover the bases, to swoop in, in between every other week chemo, to repair and rebuild and build up.
     I finish with this task, and misplace the container.
      spend an equal amount of time searching everywhere for the container, knowing that when this happens to us, the misplaced keys or electric bills or anything else, that we have a little moment there of overwhelm, and that it's a nice message from our self to our self.
     He wakes up and comes down the stairs, greeted exuberantly by the shepherd. I embrace him, and tell him I've misplaced the container, and he looks around a little bit, before he heads to the shower.
     I think to myself "oh well.", And leap out the door, to drive down the street, and go for a quick workout.
     The sun is cresting the mountain range, seeming to climb its way into the sky, at 7:15. The budding maples are shimmering crimson, against the pale blue sky and the voluminous clouds.
     I drive down the range, the forest leaning in on both sides, dark and beautiful, and come to that place where the forest ends, and the fields begin.
     Vast fields, high fields, and the sky opens up, the day opening before us all.



https://www.facebook.com/GwenMcClellanWordsandPictures/videos/1226003457436436/

2.14.17 Almost as if

It was almost as if the rangling restless sun

 finally settled itself down, 

beneath the small oasis of trees, 

off in the middle of the farmers fields, 

that were thick with freshly fallen snow, 

and slowly fell asleep.

2.14.17 Snow eating break

https://www.facebook.com/GwenMcClellanWordsandPictures/videos/1224655617571220/

2.14.17 Great big star

When we arrived down at the farmers fields, our bright hot star 
was scanning the horizon, 
orange and golden yellow, casting out its heat,
as the trees settled themselves for their quiet night's rest.

2.14.17 Finally

Mid-February, the snow is finally getting some depth. Glistening clean and untouched .
Which of course is all about the water table ; 
it's all about the water table.

2.14.17 A winter sunset walk

What could be more peaceful?
Or make a big muscled pup happier?

2.14.17 We ventured out

Down by the farmers fields, we ventured out into the plowed dirt road,
 as Canadian Geese flew overhead, conversing. 

As the bright golden sun slowly sank past the snow covered fields.

2.13.17 Stay clear and cool out

Life tangles and untangles. We stumble, sometimes to catch ourselves, other times to fall. To learn how best to untangle, to keep watch for the next tripping place.
To stay clear and cool out and celebrate when we sleep a bit better.
And give our thanks for this life and these connections
and this day we are given .

2.13.17 Every day

Each day delivers something unique 
into our waiting presence.

https://www.facebook.com/GwenMcClellanWordsandPictures/videos/1223747880995327/

2.13.17 Long and short

It was a beautiful midwinters day, 

short on hopefulness and 

long on elegant elongated shadows

2.13.17 Thoughts on Our Mortality and the Dream of Legacy

     As we grow older, or while we are younger, but facing a very difficult situation, and maybe all the times in between, we grapple with our mortality. 
     In the common and somewhat paltry wisdom of our own time, and to a certain extent, of the ages, this thinking goes like this: 
     It will be more OK as we are aging or dying, if some things have been included in our life. Among these are-
     a. Leaving behind a legacy of accomplishment, that (and this is the tricky part) is both acknowledged and valued by others. The longer lasting this fame is, the better.
     There is sometimes the often occurring fantasy of someone like Freida Kahlo or van Gogh, who were virtually unknown in their own life times, and yet their creative achievement (and suffering), with time ,only become more revered. This sometimes happens. Although, by and large, not. 
     Not for humans, oak trees, ants, or bears. For the most part, we live our lives, we touch the lives of others while we are here, for better or worse, and for a little bit after we're gone. 
     But, if you think about it, that's pretty remarkable, and part of the web of life. Why not be amazed by the grace of being included in this.
     b. We sometimes fantasize or plan or even accomplish doing something that separates us out from the herd, whether it's extraordinary or terrible or creative or beautiful or odd. 
     Sometimes people begin problem-solving what they can do to get a listing in the Guinness book of world records, or build the biggest french fry replica or give the most money or contribute to the wing of the library that will have their name on it or things like that. 
     When they involve the common good, they're cool. The name might not last. But the deed is good.
     c. But sometimes as we become more aware of our mortality, or we grow older or less able, sometimes we really focus on what it is we want our life to be, that holds value for us. 
     Sometimes it involves our values and our ethics and our beliefs, and contributes to the greater good. 
     Other times it doesn't. I mean, we each get to take a stab at what we think we want to do.
     d. One of the big secrets is that, when we begin to focus on what we want to spend our time and energy doing, when we are able, to fine-tune or acquire skills or create something that holds value for us, that's the thing that can provide us with confidence and well-being and peace of mind.
     It can involve contributing to others, and it can simply involve hanging out doing what matters to us. 
     But the funny thing is that, despite the fallacy in our culture, that the bigger and better we are, the more popular or fashionable we are, the cooler stuff we can parade in front of others, the more other people think were really cool, (even if we're debt ridden and just buying really great stuff) none of that really holds valuable substance to us. Inside of ourselves. 
     The regard we get from others for superficiality is fleeting and, well, superficial. It actually holds very little meaning.
     Superficiality often reminds me of lying. You know, when you lie to someone about a cool thing you did or that you have, and they're so excited, and you anticipate feeling really great and cool and wonderful because you're pretending this thing. But all along, you know it's a lie, and you're pretending, and it provides absolutely no satisfaction whatsoever. People become liars when they keep seeking the feeling anticipated when they are making believe it's going to happen by lying and posturing. It can become quite a delusional hobby or addiction, lying to yourself and making believe to others. 
     It holds no substance, you know deep down. It only promotes anxiety and self-doubt, lousy self-esteem and no confidence at all, like a house built upon the sand.
     But when we listen carefully to those who've gone on this journey, or those who are very ill, or experienced, or older, or nudging up against your own mortality, sometimes this is what we learn.
     The substance of our own valuing of ourselves. Any which way we create it. For real.

2.13.17 Little tiny things

for a smash down day

2.13.17 Coming in for a landing

     It is so seamless to wake to the day we've been given, and without realizing it, begin right in with the "Oh no."'s.
     When we notice how we've been going around, tainting our days and our possibilities with this habitual response, we give ourselves an opportunity to do better. Feel better. Support our selves more. 
     The "Oh no." that fills our days is unintentional, and drags us down. It raises too high cortisol,and lowers too low cortisol. It saps energy, eats up our fuel for the day, and magnifies any difficulty.
     When we wake up and realize we are unconsciously doing this every single day, we can become more aware, and intentionally smile at each Oh no thing.
     When you smile, it changes your emotions. It changes your physiology, supporting the production of feel-good brain chemicals, like dopamine and serotonin, the very brain chemicals we cook through, while thinking or feeling stress. The very same brain chemicals we try to unhelpfully supplant , with coffee, sugar, carbs, and more. The very same brain chemicals we can try to build up, by considering 5htp for stress and low serotonin and depression and anxiety. Or GABA for thoughts and anxiety going round and round. Theanine for stress response and anxiety and stress that interferes with sleep and focusing and relaxed muscles.
     Sometimes we realize we are greeting the day with one 'Oh no.' after another. Making more problems, ramping up stress, by doing so.
"Oh no, I didn't do the ( taxes, cleaning, budget, ....) I meant to this weekend.
"Oh no, there is the ( partner, kid, relative, neighbor, cat, plant, job) that has this happening.
     "Oh NO!" we awaken to our nation in this situation.
     But how we greet these aspects of our lives matters. We can be both honest in our response to finding them still there every day we wake, and mindfully study how to acknowledge them, problem solve and plan to do what we can, and then study how to SMILE as we encounter each one.
     And say to ourselves "Yes, this is in my life today."
"Yes, I did that yesterday and I wish I hadn't."
"Yes, that is happening over there in the world, and I feel so ( angry, sad, scared, disappointed, uneasy, anxious...) about it.
"Yes, my car is needing more and more repairs."
"Yes, I am experiencing a lot of ( exhaustion, pain , heartache, loneliness , frustration , hopelessness ..)
     When we go around encountering our sadnesses and griefs and disbelief and concerns , and we manage to smile, and say "Yes , there that is." to them, we loosen the tightening. We lighten whatever we are feeling and dealing with. We free the waters of the river, to flow.
     There are no magic wands, and this is not a Disney movie.
     And remember - a smile and acceptance is not acquiescence .
     Rather, it better positions us to go out into our day, value ourselves , and see what needs to be lived with, for now, versus what can be done .

2.11.17 Engaging

Getting to know a painting or a neighbor or a place in your neighborhood , day after day, new and different each day,
 is worth its weight in gold. It warms the heart, engages the mind in quiet contemplation , and slowly brings peace to the soul.

2.11.17 Quietly

Each day, this place sings a new eloquent song. 
Each day, I come to say hello, and quietly spend 
some time together.

2.11.17 Perfectly

Down by the farmers fields late this afternoon,
 it was perfectly overcast and perfectly cold and the land perfectly covered by untouched snows, 
as the faint light blue combed the horizon, 
and the sun slowly set.

2.11.17 We humans

 tend to cultivate busy distracted lives, 
out of necessity, or preference. 
We remain relentlessly drawn to busy new exciting distractions and purchases and competition and posturing, 
none of which fills our hearts or make our minds 
peaceful or satisfied.

2.11.17 This is how

Our growing awareness opens our eyes to the devastating harm we cause day after day, 

to ourselves and others, without even noticing. 

That is how asleep and shortsighted we can be. 

This is how we as individuals and as a culture can awaken.

2.11.17 When we get to know places

 our perception of them and ourselves deepens in ways 
more complex and profound than we would ever have imagined. 
We change. Our lives change. 
We become copacetic with the cosmos,
little bit by little bit.

2.11.17 Just because

Just because we can bulldoze or dig or lay pipelines or pesticide or block rivers or blow up mountains or shoot and kill or make mistakes and pollute and ruin, in ways that will never recover, does not mean we are top dog.

2.11.17 How shortsighted and delusional

If we're lucky, we gradually evolve enough to realize that other living things are not at our beck and call, nor less important than we are.

We come to see how easy it is to be human and make that mistake, of imagining hierarchies where there are none, making believe we are perched right at the top. 

How shortsighted and delusional .

2.11.17 Sometimes we manage to wake up

Sometimes we manage to actually wake up out of our human-centric narcissism, and realize that every toad and deer and squirrel and slug and Oak lives here in this neighborhood, as their ancestors did before them. It is their homeland.

2.11.17 Your neighborhood

     Growing up, you could count on your siblings, and the woods. So we did. Some of us remained that way for life, getting to know small places and large, developing abiding affection, excited always to wake up, and go see who they were today. 
     Because once you get to know a place really well , you learn a number of things. 
     You wake up out of your human centric narcissism, and realize that every toad and deer and squirrel and slug and Oak lives there, as their ancestors did before them. It is their homeland.
     You wake up and realize you are sharing a neighborhood , that was here long before humans, and will remain long after we are gone.
     You realize the living things are not at your beck and call, less important than you.
     You come to see how easy it is to be human and make that mistake of imagining hierarchies where there are none, making believe you are plopped right at the top. Not true.
     Just because you can bulldoze or dig or lay pipelines or pesticide or block rivers or blow up mountains or shoot and kill or make mistakes and pollute and ruin in ways that will never recover, does not mean you are top dog.
     It simply means you are underdeveloped as a being, unaware and immature, cutting off that nose of yours, to spite your face.
     When we get to know places , our perception of them and ourselves deepens in ways more complex and profound than we would ever imagined.
     Our growing awareness opens our eyes to the devastating harm we cause day after day, to ourselves and others, without even noticing. That is how asleep and shortsighted we can be.
     Busy lives looking for busy new exciting distractions and purchases and competition and posturing do not fill our hearts or make our minds peaceful or satisfied.
     Getting to know a painting or a neighbor or a place in your neighborhood , day after day, new and different each day, is worth its weight in gold.

https://www.facebook.com/GwenMcClellanWordsandPictures/videos/1222069664496482/

2.11.17 As you would someone you love

Each place is a neighborhood to get to know, to slowly come to love,
 as you would come to love anyone you embrace in your life, 
who means something to you. 
Who you trust. 
With whom you share solace and faith and hope, day after day.

2.11.17 Coming upon the Wild Turkeys

On my way to Planet Fitness this morning ,push push pushing myself to go, I went by the High Hadley Fields , to have a chance to leave a little bird seed for the small flock I came upon last night, and on the way back, I passed by again another small flock, of Wild Turkey hens all, making their way up from the road, through the snow, feeding as they went.

https://www.facebook.com/GwenMcClellanWordsandPictures/videos/1221582954545153/

2.11.17 The key

Sometimes in our 50s or 60s, if were lucky enough for the circumstances and difficulties in our lives to slow down a bit, we often get quite thrown by the emotional processes 
that slowly begin to rise up, knowing there is finally a little room for us to respond to them. To digest them. Because, you see, one of our functions is that we put aside difficult emotional responses to experiences, until there is some room. For us to feel we can feel them, let our feelings move through us, not overthink the process, and mindfully let them pass by.

This often manifests as quite difficult, if not severe emotional feelings and thoughts. In this day and age, we are encouraged to think that this is solely bio chemical. When in fact, often enough, it involves experiences we have had, and our emotional responses to them, from our entire life. Accrued substantiative material that needs to be supported and witnessed and I just checked, or it will continue to cause us increasing distress.

We are encouraged to avoid feeling these things. Avoid thinking them. Stuffing them down. Sometimes medications are in fact necessary for us to manage to continue living our lives. But they need to not be a substitute for somehow finding enough support, and understanding and having the comfort of knowing that the volume of this material is finite. 

I think that's the key here. What needs to accompany our willingness to make space for this often difficult process, and, like learning to ride a bike, acquire our skills well enough that we can do it with ease, is important.

2.10.17 Do unto others

The earth is my God. Life is my God. 
Love and faith and grace are my God, 
Do unto others the maxim.



https://www.facebook.com/GwenMcClellanWordsandPictures/videos/1221232814580167/

2.10.17 Rising up slowly

The enormous golden moon rose up slowly from the far horizon, as I stood silently, out upon the vast High Hadley Fields .

2.10.17 Blue and white and beauty all over

2.10.17 Off we went

This morning we woke to the great big snow, the skies spectacular and bright and sunny with magnificent clouds racing overhead wherever you went. 

So we went off, down to the farmers fields, to drift through the feather light bright clean snow, tossing and losing and finding bright yellow tennis balls and laughing and marveling at the beauty around us. 

After rest rest resting a bunch in this small quiet life, I headed off to deliver freshly juiced juice to my beloved brother, only to be momentarily sidetracked by a truly stupendous enormous full moon hovering by the darkening horizon. 

So I sidetracked up past the High Hadley Fields, where flocks of small birds were feeding upon the snowplow scraped dirt road. 

The sunset threw its final light far across the broad fields, past our long mountain range . 

The coming night silent and clear , a thing of great beauty and solace .

https://www.facebook.com/GwenMcClellanWordsandPictures/videos/1221221271247988/

I am continually stunned 

by the beauty of the earth

https://www.facebook.com/GwenMcClellanWordsandPictures/videos/1221226311247484/

2.10.17 After the big snow

https://www.facebook.com/GwenMcClellanWordsandPictures/videos/1220952051274910/

Down by the farmers fields


In the summer, this small stream down by the farmers fields accumulates algae, and trickled industrial waste. Yet, come winter, the water flows freely , the earth cleansing the pollution from the summer before.

2.10.17 Addressing, not quelling, anxiety and depression and Suicidal Ideation

     Sometimes we experience anxiety in situations ,as a communique from our wise and perceptive subconscious to our consciousness. Sometimes we encounter experiences with others that are uncomfortable in some way, and make the knee jerk mistake of blaming the messenger. Instead of pausing, calming down, and really examining what the message holds for us. Sometimes, our encounters with others rub up against places in ourselves that could do with some realizations, and perhaps a resulting growth of limit-setting for others, of boundaries .
     It's so easy for us to blame others who are pushy or tenacious or unkind . Within reason, it's important to hold others accountable ; to use our common sense, and if they are not beneficial, to take the steps we are able to change our proximity to them, and our reception.
     And certainly in life there are societal&& limits that we must impose, that by and large can be guided by The Golden Rule. If you wouldn't want that done to you, don't do it to others. Discrimination, unsafe work environment, bullying or intimidation.           Great opportunism. Unequal application of rights and justice.
     For simpler situations in our personal lives that often generate much anxiety or resentment , taking responsibility to bolster our own boundaries is key.
Oftentimes we are riled by, or wake up from great anxiety. It's a primary way of bringing to light something a part of us knows, but the rest of us has not caught on to yet.
     Sometimes there are physical realities that beg problem solving, facing our reality. For which we may or may not be capable of remedying, depending on health or finances. Then, like the many who have come before us, we make every effort to use wisdom and meditation and mindfulness, to accept and live as well as we can, with that which we cannot change.
     Realizing we have anxiety about the poor fit we are experiencing with another is an opportunity to grow the internal resources we've needed to be able to handle that kind of situation. Realizing that means we are more able to welcome situations as a chance to grow our versatility as a person.
     Much like children developing immunity in response to exposures to pathogens , we also grow new and vital internal structures to our selves via exposure to situations we find difficult.
     Blaming the friend or family member or coworker may have some merit, but the crux of our adaptability to the situation still lies in creatively sussing out the situation, realizing the response or internal changes that would help, and then doing the emotional work,so that we grow more of our selves, in response .
     Bigger, broader more adaptable response to a difficult situation. Broader immunity .
     When we once again encounter the person or the situation, and we have managed to explore our emotions or have conversations of inquiry, versus blame, with a good friend, we grow new capacity to deal with the situation. Most often as we change, clarify and strengthen, the situation or person perceives this, and changes how they are with us. Simply because we have changed.
     Thinking anxiety is something in and of itself is a misunderstanding. Anxiety is a message. About poor diet or inadequate sleep or a situation that needs changing.           Old things that need resolving, or new skills we need to grow, in order to navigate that type of situation.
     Not all situations can BE changed, in our lives, or changed easily or quickly. 
     But we can do all we can within that context to strengthen ourselves. Grow what we can. Change what we can. And then adapt as beautifully as we can, while learning to tolerate the rest, at least for now.

2.9.17 Some say

Some say winter storms are worrisome. 
Others say they are simply a force of nature, with great beauty within their every moment. 
Here, we had enough snow that to open the front door required force, birds needed several feedings to keep up with the cold, 
and the outdoors was quite obscured for long lengths of time by the fierceness of falling snow . 
So we sat inside, grateful every moment for warmth and sustenance, as the snow fell and the winds blew and all of the land glistened.



https://www.facebook.com/GwenMcClellanWordsandPictures/videos/1220301378006644/


The boyo and his stuff

2.8.17 That which we are given

Our measure is not what we were born to, or born as. 
Our measure is not by how others confine our possibilities. 
Rather, our measure relies upon what we somehow manage to do , with that which we are given.

https://www.facebook.com/GwenMcClellanWordsandPictures/videos/1219120048124777/

2.10.17 I kind of hope

I still have our winter holiday lights up, just a small strand flying over our front door. 

There's something about the colors, little beaded gems, stipled light in the day, rich glowing at night.

 I think we're the only ones in our whole neighborhood, maybe our town, still with winter holiday lights up. 

The exception is our neighbor down the street, whose wheelchair ramp has a beautiful multicolored peace sign on it. 

I kind of hope he leaves it up forever.