I'd finished describing the whole unimaginable complicated agonizing deal, hoping he could manage the profoundly personal nature of the visit, of what I needed from him right now.
Poor guy. He turned back to me , angry and grief stricken and ashamed.
He stood suddenly , slamming his fists upon the huge business table, til it shook.
He stood quickly, unable to contain himself, and stormed about the room, tears in eyes. hands on hair.
Slowly, he calmed down, sat down, took deep breaths.
These lousy human things are of such an intimate emotional nature. Always.
So I sat, looking out the second floor window, into the early March morning from the beautiful office. Giving him a moment.
And then he said
‘But I don’t understand how all this went down , how you all stayed intact.’
I shook my head. I looked out the window for awhile, again. Gathering myself up.
I said ‘ I don’t know. It's despicable.
But I feel great about myself.
I was just doing the best I could, always.
I’m all kinds of imperfect. That's ok.
I have my integrity.
I’ve done everything I know, to love and love well.
I know I love well.
I've been devoted, and a good and faithful partner and parent and person.
I don't think I'm even capable of lying, of sneaking around.
Of manipulating for fun and games, and targeting everyone, all of them clueless. They have no idea.
I just was trying to truly love ,and be honest always, to have integrity.
I’ve messed up and and fessed up and tried hard always.
I think that’s good enough.
I'm just not certain how my young ones and I
will avoid being destroyed. by what was really going down.
And no one, no one actually knows what was the reality, but us.
Because now? The evidence. Left, carelessly strewn all around, like so many dead bodies."
And then he cried.
No comments:
Post a Comment