Sometimes we find ourselves in pretty tough situations. Where what is going on for us is something everyone fears, yet some people still want to help. It's important in these situations to realize that you often have an important choice. You can either have help, or you can unload your feelings about your very difficult circumstance, but you often can't have both. If you have someone wonderful coming over to help in some way, here's some suggestions.
1. Don't talk as if you assume they are coming every week or again. Not making assumptions enables them to feel free and clear to come help or not, which means they are more likely to come help again.
2. Don't go on about how tough or scary the situation is. Reframe. Use moderate untriggering words like 'Difficult'. Share that stuff with people you already know can handle a bit of it. If you stress those willing to come by and help too much, they will have a hard time coming back. If they feel guilty or overwhelmed by your situation, ditto.
Some of them will slide into that unfortunate dance, where they get alarmed, come do more, get really upset, blame you for your problems, and stop helping. It's all about setting limits in a way that crafts the best boundaries to receive help. Your choice.
3. Ask them what is a reasonable kind of help, when they offer. Underestimate what they can do. If they go do more, great. Thank them. Mail them a little card. Draw them a picture. Never be disappointed by what they can do.
Don't complain about how they do something. It's not going to be how you would do it. If you want help, understand these things, and be grateful.
Refrain from being dramatically grateful or very emotional, even though you are in a tough situation, if you really want them to be able to come help again, without the stress of it all keeping them from being able to do some little thing.
4. If you're a parent, be careful with your assumptions regarding your kid(s) helping. It's a brave new works out there with lots that's changed. Approach carefully what kind of help your kid might be able to manage. Each of them can have different things that overwhelm them, complicate their life, or fits well. One kid will be able to pay $20/wk for someone to bring you to do an errand or do it for you. No matter your age, local Home Cares and senior centers keep lists of ok people who can do tasks or errands or bring us. Sometimes a two hour help going to the library and then out for a sandwich, dutch, can be a welcome help. Letting our kid know how wonderful that is relieves them of guilt and helps them feel good. Another kid will want to come make soup and freeze it. Say thankyou! Unless you're independently wealthy, eat it, no matter, and get the nutrition.
If your kid comes to visit, don't go on about how miserable or lonely or overwhelmed you are. Answer honestly and simply if you are not keeping up. Possibly they can help you figure it out if you don't qualify for no cost assistance from a home health care person. It's still your responsibility. Restrain yourself from criticizing them or holding them responsible. Make it nice to see you. Ask them about their life.
5. Don't tell helpers you don't know what you'd do without them. That's a difficult burden to put on someone else. Retain your own responsibility for your own situation, no matter how lousy and tough. It's not about pretending. It's about not overflowing your tough stuff onto others.
6. If things get tougher, consider whether one of the people you know, or someone at an agency , could help organize some sort of realistic arrangement, where they could ask people you know, or at your place or worship, or other places, if they could find a way to do this little thing or that every other week. If it's sustainable , if it's easy and well organized, and not upsetting, a lot of people feel good fitting in a manageable thing. Keep it simple.
Like just coming by outside and bringing your trash and recycling to the curb every other week. Or picking up from your front door a list and cash for groceries, and then leaving them at the front door and texting you to say it's delivered.
It's more complicated for many people to interact. Ask if they want to ring your doorbell or just pick up and drop off. Chances are they'll be able to better pull off the latter. Make it easy for them to help.
If they do want to stop in for tea, see if you can still keep it simple. Most people feel like they 'should' express interest . They aren't sure what to do, and often will ask too much and then flee. Give them a simple answer. If they really want to know more and you can handle sharing more, they'll ask.
7. Keeping it simple enables people to help. Maintaining boundaries helps ensure that the helping is as manageable and realistic as possible. Texting or quickly calling, or setting up the circumstances for the help, makes it possible.
If someone has agreed to vacuum the downstairs every other week, get it picked up best you can, leave out the vac plugged in, and tell them you'll be resting but thankyou so much for coming. Bring your pets off with you. Then boom boom boom, they're in, they help, they split. Not perfect, but it smooths the way for it to be as unstressful as possible for people to be able to help.
8. If someone cancels or does't keep offering, accept it. Don't begrudge them. Don't be angry if you run into them. Respect their choices.
If they mess up the time it other parts of the arrangement, be gracious.
Don't get into how unfair it all is. All of it is always unfair. If they stop coming, don't call them and ask if you did something wrong or if they can come again.
Don't call someone who is not already a friend you hang out and talk with, hoping they will want to be friends. Let them just help instead.
It's a tough thing to be friends with someone whose life limited. Be careful. Old trusted friends do it best.
Even if you are lonely, don't wreck the helping by overloading your expectations.
Even if you are in pain or having great difficulty, it's still your responsibility, and not theirs, to get yourself connected up somehow so as to not be too isolated.
If you have the internet and someone can do a library run every other week, go into Amazon and explore books you may enjoy; then check and see if your library has them or request interlibrary loan. You can carefully leave out your books and your helper can go to the desk and pick up your requests. Call your library and tell them you're unable to get there, and see if they'd rather you did online requesting or talk to them about your list. Make sure there is a nice protected from weather place for your helper to pick up and drop off things.
If you can, and you're over 55, consider a bumpy imperfect senior shuttle to an imperfect senior center to find people you can exchange interactions with.
9. See what you can do to create a small sustainable schedule for yourself, if that helps. To give your day to day life some reassuring structure. Feel good about the small things you accomplished. Try to find small ways to send notes or small thoughts to others, as a way of giving and connecting. Use mindfulness and EFT to find how to rest in the day you have before you. It works. You can digest all the unbelievable emotions and thoughts that come up from your tough situation so you can navigate the best way to deal.
If we're here long enough, these are the skills we will need.
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