2.22.17 The perils of friends who help- Maintaining boundaries

1. If you have someone in your life helping you, there is a high probability that, eventually, they will become enmeshed in your life, and blur the boundaries between what is your business, and what is theirs.

2. If they do this often and you talk gently about changing direction in a no fault way, they will get threatened by the separating, and blame you for what you say or how you think.

3. If you begin doing things differently that do not include that degree of involvement with them or their opinions, they will blame you for being a bad friend and maybe a messed up person.

4. If you are chronically ill, more 'helpful' people will wade in to your life like that.

5. When you redefine the parameters of your boundaries with them, it threatens them as if you are changing their life. And they resent it because they were getting off on making your decisions for you, and 'helping' or 'saving' you, or having a project of making things for you the way that would gratify them.

6. No matter how tiring it may be to be chronically ill and holding boundaries steady when receiving help, do it. The predictable trajectory of boundary bending is not worth the conflict. 

7. a. Thank the person for helping. 

b. Set the parameters diplomatically. Thank them so much for offering this and that, say it would be great if they really can come by for helping with vacuuming or dishes. Tell them you need to leave 1 1/2 hours after they are planning to come, even if you don't tell them why (to go down the street and back), so that there is an external limit to how long they are helping.

c. No matter how much of a fix you are in, be in charge. Assertively thank them for coming, don't fall all over yourself in gratitude or go on and on about "What would you do with out them?". Instead, thank them. Make them a little card you mail them later as a thank you. Maintain the equal footing and reciprocity, no matter what you determine to be reciprocal.

d. DO NOT LET THEM increase how much they come and what they end up weighing in on, no matter how isolated or overwhelmed you are. If you do, no matter how wonderful they are, they will invariably begin feeling they have a say in telling you what to do, or admonishing you or becoming frustrated when you don't do what they think is best. 

f. KEEP THOSE BOUNDARIES. IT's harder to back up than it is to hold the line.

2.22.17 Getting to know you

If we really want to get to know someone, we slowly do more and more things with them. The more we do with them, the more their weird stuff surfaces. 

Everybody has weird stuff. It's OK. But in that way, we discover whether they are a defensive blamer, or a generous conciliatory person. We can then decide what direction to go in. 

If we go in too deep with them and then backtrack, there is a probability they will retaliate. 

The more challenged we are in our life, with health or circumstances, the more important it is to explore this, before getting in too deep.

2.21 17 It's not about the whitewater

Keep your head up, no taking on white water. 

As the late February true blue skies and melting white earth sing and dance, and have joy, as hearts collide.

https://www.facebook.com/GwenMcClellanWordsandPictures/videos/1232414320128683/

2.21.17 And away we go

There's this funny thing that occurs, when we find ourselves in opposition to someone else. We can be quickened and insightful, our edges clean and our purpose remanded. 
We can feel more certain and sure, and mistake the authenticity of opposing, for the thrill of our personality clarifying. 

Some begin relying on creating conflict with others, to refind the strong selves, that they tend to become in those circumstances.

They begin to believe their own rationalizations, for picking on others, opposing them easily, on the basis of innate unchangeable and reassuringly easy target characteristics, such as race, sex, class, sexual orientation, height, ethnic background, different abilities or looks.

Discrimination, and eventually hate behavior, can bring together people, triangulating two against one. 

Hatred can bring cohesiveness to a diverse group of people who are distressed and hopeless and can't understand how to improve their lives.

Make believe reasons to turn and direct fear and hatred and distress, against groups already maligned in a culture, is convenient and workable and satisfying.

Easy as pie,to get a bunch of people to act like a pack of dogs attacking an outsider.
Silly stupid shortsighted delusional easily-manipulated rationalizing humans.

2.20.17 Friendship and test drives

     What we observe, when we live long enough, is that if you really want to know who someone is, and what their weird shit is, go on test drives. Do different kinds of things with them,and you'll find out soon enough if you can deal with their particular kind of weird.
     Like, with a friend or neighbor or coworker or cousin, you discover that they're great to go bowling with,but you find out how crabby they are on short rides, finding fault with you or the situation, so you know a road trip is NOT in your future together.
     Maybe they can be the sweetest friend to talk life or politics or spiritual stuff with, but you can Not talk over a discrepancy, because they go ballistic defensive.
     Later, they never mention it, don't think it bears mentioning, so you vow not to go there with them, because you value knowing them, but that unaware shit is nuts.
     Or they want to loan you money, and you really need it if it's ok,and you begin to clarify a clear cut written agreement, because everyone knows that money between friends is complicated.
     But you watch them excitedly getting ready to loan you the money and they begin to dictate every single thing you are going to do with the loan, or with your life, with no awareness that this is unusual and invasive and untenable.
     So you decide against it, and they're all upset and surprised, because they were all excited about being in charge of their you-improvement project. Showing their stripes further. Whew.
     So you get it, and give thanks that they revealed themselves in time, and you back up to the old nice fun talks and walks in the woods.
     Seeing that they will be unable to meaningfully talk over the difference in perspective or opinion without getting very upset. Their little glitch, there.
     You let it go,and still have the wonderful walk-in-the-woods friend.
     Life is so funny like that. We're a patch of land in the dark, with errant beams of light, that illuminate different awarenesses for different folks.
     It's not like you should blame yourself or another for blindnesses.
     It's more that we all do the best we can, and the more we are seen for who we are, even if we can't clearly see our selves, the more we evolve and our sight fine-tunes and quickens.

2.20.17 LIttle tiny things

https://www.facebook.com/GwenMcClellanWordsandPictures/videos/1231113356925446/


a little jog at dusk

https://www.facebook.com/GwenMcClellanWordsandPictures/videos/1231429096893872/

Shimmering bellies in the sunset

https://www.facebook.com/GwenMcClellanWordsandPictures/videos/1231429350227180/

2.20.17 Adaptation, not acquiescence

     In our current world order, in this country, I think we need to remind ourselves that healthy adaptation is not acquiescence.
     It's not helpful for us, emotionally or physiologically, to fail to adapt to what is happening now.
     It's not helpful for us to engage in big shock and surprise and fear and alarm, when we know it is fairly predictable that many very problematic things are going to keep coming down the pike.
     So how do we make our best effort, at educating and informing ourselves with some modicum of balance, and then activating to support the country we want to live in.
     And yet, accept the fact that there will be surprising, disappointing, and alarming events in the foreseeable future?
     Instead of repeatedly subjecting ourselves to fear and upset, we might want to find a way to mindfully accept what is happening now. While taking good care of ourselves.
     And doing everything we can, to be as healthy, well fed, well slept, and safest possible.
     While effectively activating to make our voices heard. To effect good values and change.

2.19.17 Inch by inch, row by row

    Self-assuredness is something we can fertilize and grow any time in our lives. We are not predestined, static creatures. We can study and learn, and then coach ourselves in a supportive manner that excludes the often internalized hobbies of self criticism, shame or debasement, and instead focuses on our learning curve.
     While noticing whe n we are falling prey to thoughts or convictions of self doubt. Of ideas that foster low self esteem. Of old comfy miserable habitual responses.
     We are perfectly capable of mindfully noticing our fearful doubtful thoughts and feelings, saying 'Oh hi, there you are.' And feeling them or thinking them for a moment while identifying them.
     'Yes, I am having that thought. Look, there is that feeling. Ugh.' And then give it air time. With awareness.
     And then turning, and reminding ourselves. Of our focus. Of our plain old everyday remarkable value.
     Of our growing capacity to reason out a situation.
     To notice and then overlook those around us who doubt or have differing opinions or are certain we are this boxed in person who will 'always' be one old way.
     We can say 'Yes , that person is certain I will always be that one way. Have I been sometimes in the past? Yes.
     Am I sometimes in the present? Yup, seems so.
     Do I have to be all that way forever? No.
     Is change 100% immediately ? Nope.
     If I change, will I done days change back? Sometimes.
     That's what change and growth is all about. People around us pigeon holing us, limiting our possibilities unconsciously.
     Others supporting however we are determined to grow and change.
     While we honestly assess ourselves, and then on a friendly devoted manner , support our way along our path.
     Inch by inch, row by row.

2.19.17 Growing self-assuredness

We need a particular kind of self-assuredness when observing people characterizing themselves one way, and behaving another. 

Self-assuredness is a marker of maturity, and can develop within us at any age. 

It's necessary, in order to know and accept others, and figure out how to navigate knowing them.

I love watching animals, because they figure these things out in their societies too.

2.19.17 Those who overstep

Often enough, those close to us,or who interact with us enough, are our most intense teachers.
They are the ones we watch, as they stretch boundary situations with us.
They are the ones we divulge things we later rethink or realize or wish we had not actually spoken about.
They are the ones who may be good of heart and caring, but still have their blind spots, of which they invariably know nothing at all.
Like walking around with egg on your face, and everyone sees but you.
Often enough, our dearest friends, or those closest to us in whatever kind of configuration, will be the ones who overstep or disbelieve or push us over there or urge us over here or have their own agenda when they are thinking this idea of theirs is simply the best idea ever.
So there we are, quietly living our own day, when in they come, til we notice they are in fact arranging and pushing and shoving us around til we
wake up and take a step back, right outta that ring.

2.19.17 Sleepless and whyfor

     It's rare now, to find myself sleepless. When it happens,more often than not, I'm old enough and experienced enough to know that it always means something is up. 
     So for me, if I've already exercised and already done mindfulness with the various errant sources of distress... If I've already used EFT for the remaining tangles and flip flopping things, then chances are there is something important to sit with, as it IS tangled up. 
     And it knows well that I need to become aware of it, and then sit and hold it's hand, because that's the only way it knows how to untangle up.
     Making believe it's not happening does not work. Pretending it's just something uncomfortable I can avoid or ignore is not reality.
     Fiddling around with machines will only screw with the Pineal Gland and only make it worse.
     Skirting about it may mean I can fall asleep, and possibly sleep late enough , but the deep wise self knocking on the door of conscious awareness luckily will not stop.
     Chances are, I'll be up up up in the night.
     And really, what are we willing to do so that does not happen? The answer? A LOT. Hence, the early morning workout.
     So it's simply up to me to be honest.
     To venture toward the real stuff, fact based and straightforward with myself.
     Fess up to the deal no matter whether I approve or sanction or disagree or am ashamed or not.
     No bother. It simply does not matter.
     It is what it is, so deal.

2.18.17 The things we do

Often we do not allow our own happiness.
We misconstrue what is normal , we misunderstand. We pretend everyone but us has it easier, has fewer deep dark horrible experiences. We pretend their efforts are simpler, their love and support superior to what we have been given.
We criticize and find fault with those who come near to love us; we drive them away with our make believe and the distress we create on our own.
We waste time lamenting what we imagine others have, instead of being happy for them. We fail to relish that which we have; we think it is not good enough. We who have suffered more deserve better, we cry.
In this way, with stories we tell ourselves, we separate ourselves from others, soaking in self made, unnecessary bitterness and grievous loneliness. Over time, we even come to believe that all of this simply happened to us.