12.30.18 Never Forget

The Nation lives forever. 
The People spring like trees from the earth.
One can not kill the spirit.
The spirit is eternal and attached to this Holy place. We remember.
Our heart is buried at Wounded Knee.

Crow DogWidow

12.31.18 I've been too long at the fair

Jesus cried, wept and died
I guess he went up to heaven
I've been downtown such a long long time
I'll never make it home by seven
Won't you please come and take me home
I've been too long at the fair
And Lord I just can't stand it anymore

Bonnie Raitt

12.29.18 Into the Majestic

I, I ,myself , like plans. 

Creating plans.
Illustrating plans.
Planning plans.

So many of us always have been interested in plans, because they’re a pathway . 

Between where we are now, and where we’d like to travel to.

I remember perhaps 20 years ago finally noticing my Plan Denial Syndrome. 

Where I’d come up with a plan and get all excited about the plan and hopeful about the plan 

and then just go around so happy this stuff was finally going to work out 

and finally I’d manage my goals. Oh, it felt so good.

And i suddenly looked back on some of my past planning. And saw how the excitement was not realistic. Because the planning was not realistic. Some of the time it worked and lots of times it didn’t and I’d grown into a person who then compromised by getting excited in make believe.

So I began investigating how and why goals and planning failed.
And learned that, in some ways, we have to do the underlying work, including the emotional work. 

To create the honest to goodness real infrastructure upon which planning and plans rest. 

And are supported. And can persist from.

Ugh.
Real life.

So I went about continuing to do the emotional work, and slowly, a number of things happened.

I began to see more and more the stories I’d gotten used to telling myself, and even my family, to ‘put a good face on’ situations and people , who actually were not good.

To do the stiff upper lip ,when ,often enough, honestly facing the unpleasant and untenable reality was indicated instead.

And, by the way, whether it’s our economy or our childbirth or our family finances or our unsubstantiated trust in others or our fitness, we can make believe all we want. 

But actuality will show up and be what is operational.

And beneath our conscious awareness, we are always cognizant of the real. 

And the distance between what is honest and true, and what we are either compulsively lying about or tolerating in others, only festers into great anxiety and fear and uncertainly.

So that we normal Neurotics blame ourselves, and those disordered Psychopaths and Narcissists (minimally 3-4% of who you encounter out there) of course always blame everyone else. 

Which is where they show their cards. That and their well hidden cache of precious secrets.

So I began untangling and teasing out the deep tough underlying stuff we all have , that, whether we like it or not, impacts us profoundly . And inhibits physical health and longevity and our creativity and our peace of mind.

Which is our Core Work. The big tough bad work waiting patiently for us to agree to address. 

So we can break away from old stuff and go off and discover what is actually possible .

What a surprise it is, to go do the down and dirty tough emotional work, and then cycle back around ,and watch what becomes impacted by the past being laid to rest, and the present rising up and flourishing.

When we arrive there, the myriad of obstructions are minimal. 

Our clarity returns. And we say ‘Well, I don’t know about planning this this this and this, but let’s first go with this one.’ And then we do.

And we do so carefully, thinking out how to relate to ourselves , how to plan it. 

What style and words and strategy will work. And then we do.

And, no one is perfect. Ever. Always there is more to notice and let float up and become aware of and let go of and heal up and comfort down from the ledge.

But there is a learning curve.
There is an operational wisdom.

We are actually wired for this, and when we agree and understand and begin,

the developmental process in our dna simply begins it's majestic unfolding.

And then, with that infrastructure and that will, there is a way.

12.29.18 Out With The Wild

Yesterday during the thaw, at night, the young Bobcat 
walked on down the farmers fields road, 
and the mud saved the moment, and then last night it froze.



Then the next day, after another thaw and another freeze,
there a teeny tiny itty bitty Possum had come on by.

12.30.18 No Destination

So often ,what we encounter are simply places along the way, on the way to the next place.

Not destinations. 

But when we’re young, we start out thinking/wondering/hoping/worrying every single thing is a destination ,where we will arrive ,and there will be some completion. 

How very simple.

And then when, over and over, the imagined result disappoints, we think something is wrong.

Instead of understanding that in fact it’s all right.

Going along our path.

Catching sight of one place, which in fact brings us to the next.

Making our choices. Having our consequences. 

Learning slowly what and who and how to trust. 

Because really, the trusting is of ourselves, and that is all we ever need.

12.30.18 Down By the Mill and Hollows

I’d lived in this town at 24, in a big old house with friends, working and going to school 

I’d been at a small party, at 23, followed up by an ill advised date, right round the corner 
 
Then I'd had my first in this town. And my second, born in my living room, right down the street

I always brought my first tromping round all the woods and fields and dales

Then brought him and his first good friends to play out back here, upon the broad steep rocks, the swift shallow falls, on scorching hot summer days. 

The rushing waters streaming past, over their small bare feet, as we carefully navigated the slippery moss, the stolid bumpy enormous boulder. As our noses burned and their laughter and interest filled the day

Brought my next two here, to homeschooling fairs, and to explore books, our lunches packed, 
ready to after go exploring through the forests. To unwind from life and integrate life and weave the wind and the hills and the land far into our selves

Always, it's into the land, into the forest, the streams and fields

Now, 40 years later, I’ve brought myself here in the late afternoon
for a small Sunday meal, a glass of wine

For a stroll through the galleons of used books, wandering up steep hidden staircases and down wobbly hallways, books everywhere , stacked, shelved, untold surprises, creations all

 And then a cold wander about the wooded walkways, as the day's light vanished and the golden lights hung overhead and lamps within various buildings like a small village

Shone out into the darkening day, as the falls sang loud and far 

Golden lights streaming in the approaching darkness
Always it's to go  greet the stream






The late day's light upon the falls, through the trees

12.31.17 Self Care In Difficult Times

Sometimes, the circumstances in our lives become more complex. 
Sometimes the plot thickens.

Sometimes, in order to really show up for someone , we begin doing things. 
Eating as well as we can. Perhaps going out and taking a walk or exercising. 
To ensure we can still sleep as well as possible. To ensure that we are healthy and calm and well as much as possible. 

Perhaps meditating little bit, to protect our sleep, to protect our peace of mind during the days.
We seek these measures out just for sanity, learning to be present, integrating mindfulness, just to get through this moment, and the next. 

Because no matter what is coming, we can manage the present moment. 

And with the exception of mindfully processing the past or future, with the exception of pragmatically planning the future, really what keeps us from suffering, even in the  toughest circumstance, is remaining only right here, right now.
Until all of these measures we are taking, to manage the best we can, for ourselves, and especially, for someone we love, all these measures are holding us. Stabilizing us. Enabling us to do that which we most want to do. Be present.

And sometimes, in these  tough times, we begin to notice those around us.
And those who don’t seem to be able to be present. With us. 

They have convictions or assumptions, or fears. When we are in proximity, they push us and pull us and pile their fears and convictions upon us, not seeing how they are burdening our tough road, our tough efforts.
With difficult times, we fine-tune our ability to be present for some, we fine-tuning obstructions. Reinforcing supports. Moving away from those who don’t.

And in this fine-tuning of who we are in proximity to, it is no fault.
There is no good and bad. There is simply acknowledging what fits best for us, right now. And then making our choices, taking our responsibility, as we get down to what matters most.
Others in our lives we can care about. We can want the best for them.
But when things get this kind of difficult, we rearrange. Who is closest to us, who impacts us, who impairs our path, and who supports it.

Like a winter storm, tough circumstances clear away the habits, the proximity to people, all the other things that are not strong enough. That actually don’t fit well . And we slowly, in the storm, break free. Break clean.
We can care about those who we choose not to have in closer proximity, when their attitudes or their fears trundle our own economized struggling best efforts. 

And they can go on in their own lives, being responsible for their own choices. And their own consequences.
The meantime, we are a fine tuning organism. Our intent is to be clear, clean, well nourished, stable and strong.As we turn toward that in our life which we are supporting. As we hunker down, providing  our attentiveness, our care, simply being fully present.And sometimes, in these  tough times, we begin to notice those around us.
And those who don’t seem to be able to be present. With us. 

They have convictions or assumptions, or fears. When we are in proximity, they push us and pull us and pile their fears and convictions upon us, not seeing how they are burdening our tough road, our tough efforts. 

With difficult times, we fine-tune our ability to be present for the one we are the carers for, fine-tuning obstructions. Reinforcing supports. Moving away from those who don’t.

And in this fine-tuning of who we are in proximity to, it is no fault.
There is no good and bad. There is simply acknowledging what fits best for us, right now. And then making our choices, taking our responsibility, as we get down to what matters most.
Others in our lives we can care about. We can want the best for them.

But when things get this kind of difficult, we rearrange. Who is closest to us, who impacts us, who impairs our path, and who supports it.

Like a winter storm, and in strange  tough circumstances, we clear away the habits, the proximity to people, all the other things that are not strong enough. That actually don’t fit well . And we slowly, in the storm, break free. Break clean.

We can care about those who we choose not to have in closer proximity, when their attitudes or their fears trundle our own economized struggling best efforts. 

And they can go on in their own lives, being responsible for their own choices. And their own consequences.

The meantime, we are a fine tuning organism. Our intent is to be clear, clean, well nourished, stable and strong.

As we turn toward that in our life which we are supporting. 

As we hunker down, providing attentiveness, our care, simply being fully present.

Well, Hello Again

It's been awhile.

I've been posting on FB all along, but there was just so much difficult happening, that I cut bait and went to settle on down into my days and nights, and do what I could.

Which I did.

And then, just like sometimes happens with you, more came up last year around now.

Eeegh.

So, I cut more bait and took care of my kids and studied settling myself and doing what works.

Quite the wtf. But then, these things happen, do they not?

And now? A year has come and gone, of the more stuff, and it's all slowly beginning to settle.

As the world turns and everyone has their own lives and their own tough stuff and their own gorgeous moments and their own learning along their own way.

Every once in awhile, someone says to me "So. You ready to start doing your blog again?" or

"Are you busy working on something else? When will you do your blog again? 

I like waking up and having coffee and dropping in on it. 

I like getting ready for bed and transitioning from devices and the roar of the day 

by sitting down quietly with it."

I say "Huh."

And then I say "Pretty soon, pretty soon." And I smile, thinking of all of them, shaking sleep from their eyes in their morning, getting up and stretching and slipping on slippers and stumbling about in their home, wherever it is and however it is, and stopping for a bit. With breakfast or in between scurrying around kids or kissing someone goodbye or turning from the lover of last night, and heading off into the day.

And then getting home, and resettling everything and everyone and kids or animals or partners or aunts or perhaps the supreme and sometimes tough of absolute free quiet and at other times all too lonesome no-one-at-all. Warming up dinner, getting out clothes for the next day. Taking a gander at the big picture and how to stop by and do a treadmill for a bit in work clothes without sweating, so there is that peace of mind that some kind of exercise yeah is happening.  And then the night descends and they turn on the telly or take a hit at the computer, and as it grows later, they come and visit and see either where we went today, with the winter skies and the shining ice puddles and thoughts about this and that, or the way I sometimes do go ON, as you well know, on and on just thinking things out. And they tell me, "Well, even when you go on, I like to go along with you, and get where you eventually get to. Because sometimes, its comforting as you make your notes to yourself, and the rest of us."

And it makes me laugh. Like, in your life, when a coworker loves that one joke you tell so well.

Or your neighbor comes round again to get that cutting from that plant they think is so gorgeous in your garden. 

Or at gatherings they ask you to do that prayer or that ancestral dance or describe a walk you went on when you saw the Barred Owl. So, as I manage to be human in a human life, so I am drawn outside and drawn to go again and again in all weather with this big muscled needing-the-run Dante. 

I'm drawn to write notes to myself, and to the world, just kind of figuring things out. 

Going on and on about things that come to mind or things that distress or confuse or upset. 

Just one step after the other, untangling and reconfiguring and sitting with and then letting it all be.

So. I hope you are all managing to live your own lives in some sort of stability and balance.

I hope you are managing to be well enough, in this changing time and these strange national leanings, as we so unfortunately have here in the US.

I hope you find your own ways of clarifying your self 

and comforting your self 

and paying your own absolutions to your own bright North Star.

Here we all are.

You take good care,

Gwen

P.S. People have asked me to post the backlog of pieces. 

It's been, like, 15 months. That's a lot of stuff. 

They said "Yeah, but , can you anyway?"

So I offered to post some of the old stuff.

And they asked if I could alternate what I write and photograph and paint today

with old things, so they don't miss anything. And I said, 'Ok. Sure. Why not?"

And, you know, let's just see.

xxxxx