1.1.19 If you looked carefully

Another day, there was this enormous cloud with all sorts of small stringed fingers
that was blowing by

And if you look carefully you will see all those stringed lined up shapes 

It felt like a someone approaching and coming upside and peering down and then passing on by 

In all their extraordinary beauty

1.1.19 The sky was still frozen

That day, the sky was still frozen and the land was still frozen, and the road we usually walk was thick with flood-strewn corn stalks, laid this way and that. 

And the end of the road was still blocked from flooding, so I could just drive up to the flooding and park

and no one was going to drive on down the road, so we had it to ourselves 

to walk along and investigate and listen and deep breathe and sing

1.1.19 Avoiding Avoiding

The things that we are afraid of, the things that we’re avoiding, slowly but surely build up bigger and bigger obstructions in our lives.
We like to pretend we can go around them, because that way we can continue avoiding them. 

Pretending that it’s of no import, to tiptoe about, leave them be, instead of problem solve carefully and thoughtfully over time how to do the work. 

How to approach difficult upsetting stuff with patience and reassurance and the proper resources.

So that we can come up to them and we can deal with them and we can compost them down and then we become unobstructed a little bit more.

Thing is, we all want great access.
To our ability to focus, to implement changes, and to develop and sustain new habits. To open up our vast and innate capacity for clarity of thought and creativity.

But there’s no cheating, in life.
There’s only cheating in our minds.
And the only one getting fooled is ourselves.

I’ll be the first one to recount years and years of imagining that I could, with someone else’s help, be guided past my own mine fields , pop on over to the other side of them, and enjoy the same benefits I would if I had carefully approached each and every one, figured out how to deconstruct them, heal the distress that created them, do the all the emotional work, until the field was free and clear.

Sometimes it takes a long long time to become brave enough to face reality.
To get that we might as well hunker down and do the work.
********
That the benefits which will result are actually some of the most meaningful things we have ever wanted in our lives.
********
And instead of keeping on our blinders, and making believe we can pop over our stuck places and still grow the same way we would if we did all the work, 

sometimes we decide to face ourselves. To use our common sense.
To find our courage.
And then go ahead, and do what works.

1.2.19 Ready Set

Been a couple of not-so-easy days, with a few more to follow. But I get how and why and the wherefore and all. Sleeping well, somehow staggering in to work out a bit, but not every day like usual. Eating well ,and then adding the Not well crap food . Ugh.

But time passes ,and if we stay focused, we get through the hard processing too. 

And in the middle of it all, with the microphone on my phone, while driving, I just started writing the novel I began maybe five years ago, and had to let go of in all the stupid hubbub.

Funny, there they all are, the characters and their situations and the places, same as before , but with their own new entrance, and their own new slant.

I just keep hearing them talk when I drive , and turn on my phone , and talk down the action , and follow it best I can. Funny how that works.

It’s like you can be doing well or not well, or mostly well with some tough stuff come up for air , and all of a sudden , it all lines up somewhere inside of you, without you
and knocks on your door
and says ‘Ok, we’re here. Get cracking.’

1.2.19 Not Believing

It’s so odd. It’s like I’m standing on the street corner and I’m watching people I know and they come up to me to converse.

And I’m like ‘This is so important to me and equity is vital and equal rights and honesty’ 

And they’re like ‘Oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah’

And then off they go and they’re gossiping about family and friends all over in this self justifying cruel way 

And they’re spewing hateful language to others, testing that water oh so carefully at first, then treading a little heavily in, encouraging others to speak epithets 

Under their breath sharing information about her or him that is private and not theirs to share 

And then sidling back over to me and making believe oh yeah all about awareness and honest and truth 

While their partner and family are well and fully flummoxed and come to believe yeah this hateful blatant coercive discriminatory crap must be just aok

And I am just standing there watching the truth of them they think they are hiding , just completely blown away.

1.1.19 Making Believe

It’s amazing to me how often we as a species conspire with ourselves and others to make believe. That if we eat this or drink that or take this or smoke that or say this or do that, well then, ooohhh, this other improvement will come on down the line. It will deliver us to feel better.

What great powers a meal or ice cream or a bunch of beer is expected to have. A little juicy circle of pathology.

Thing is, we then fall into this trance.

Of doing it over and over and having friends say ‘Oh that was so hard, you really need a drink .’ Or big piece of pie or a break or to drive fast or buy something.

And then we do and the best part actually is the anticipation .

Ok ok, and maybe the dissociation. 

Kinda like a ‘leave yourself, avoid feeling all that stuff and processing it down effectively ‘ deal. 

As if things will go well if e lead so much of our life stepping out of it. Abandoning our selves.

We keep believing that eating this
or doing that
will make us feel better
and it never ever does.

No, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t taste good or we don’t welcome the escape.

It means it does not work.

But we stay with it, sticking with the make believe story we tell ourselves and each other.

And then, we find ourselves aggrieved
by how lost and lonely and stuck we feel .

1.1.19 God Says Yes To Me

I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic

and she said yes
I asked her if it was okay to be short
and she said it sure is
I asked her if I could wear nail polish
or not wear nail polish
and she said honey
she calls me that sometimes
she said you can do just exactly
what you want to
Thanks God I said
And is it even okay if I don’t paragraph
my letters
Sweetcakes God said
who knows where she picked that up
what I’m telling you is
Yes Yes Yes

Kaylin Haught

1.1.19 Dying Lying

It will be all out of order 

I will mime my apologies
There is nothing can be done
Castles made of sand, all that

But gradually it comes clear
To each of us in our own place
In our own time, unless we hide
Making up stories to shield ourselves

Wasting our precious time here
And then die lying
There are some that
Die lying

1.1.19 Oasis

Last night we went down to the oasis, in the midst of the cultivated fields.
It’s my experience that we encounter not one tick when the fields are regularly cultivated. 

The night was coming on, but slowly, for Solstice has moved on, and we with our sun are warmer, brighter.

The fields were hardly muddy anymore, with such warm days again, the very last of ice beginning their melt.

Dante was busily engaged far up round the corner, following his nose, and I suspected and realized the coyote probably had a kill.

Far overheard the dark cloudy skies held a light blue, a hint of pink, of salmon. As I tromped about happily, admiring limbs, beautiful long legged trunks, stretching to the sky. 

Til I whistled for the boyo, and he came, dancing and a prancing, waded in to the waters, had a drink and a bit of a soak. 

And so we turned and slowly made our way back, across the softening fields. 

Through the layer of leaves, fallen down upon the ground.

Slowly composting their way back to earth once again.

12.31.18 Learning

"When you learn really, you learn throughout your life
without being the pupil of any master in particular. 
Everything is an excuse to learn: 
a dead leaf, a bird in flight, a smell, a tear, the poor and the rich, 
those who cry, the smile of a woman, the arrogance of a man. 
Everything is a lesson; 
it is not a guide, a philosopher, a guru or a master. 
The Master is life itself, and you are in constant learning. "
                                                  J.K.

12.30.18 Never Forget

The Nation lives forever. 
The People spring like trees from the earth.
One can not kill the spirit.
The spirit is eternal and attached to this Holy place. We remember.
Our heart is buried at Wounded Knee.

Crow DogWidow

12.31.18 I've been too long at the fair

Jesus cried, wept and died
I guess he went up to heaven
I've been downtown such a long long time
I'll never make it home by seven
Won't you please come and take me home
I've been too long at the fair
And Lord I just can't stand it anymore

Bonnie Raitt

12.29.18 Into the Majestic

I, I ,myself , like plans. 

Creating plans.
Illustrating plans.
Planning plans.

So many of us always have been interested in plans, because they’re a pathway . 

Between where we are now, and where we’d like to travel to.

I remember perhaps 20 years ago finally noticing my Plan Denial Syndrome. 

Where I’d come up with a plan and get all excited about the plan and hopeful about the plan 

and then just go around so happy this stuff was finally going to work out 

and finally I’d manage my goals. Oh, it felt so good.

And i suddenly looked back on some of my past planning. And saw how the excitement was not realistic. Because the planning was not realistic. Some of the time it worked and lots of times it didn’t and I’d grown into a person who then compromised by getting excited in make believe.

So I began investigating how and why goals and planning failed.
And learned that, in some ways, we have to do the underlying work, including the emotional work. 

To create the honest to goodness real infrastructure upon which planning and plans rest. 

And are supported. And can persist from.

Ugh.
Real life.

So I went about continuing to do the emotional work, and slowly, a number of things happened.

I began to see more and more the stories I’d gotten used to telling myself, and even my family, to ‘put a good face on’ situations and people , who actually were not good.

To do the stiff upper lip ,when ,often enough, honestly facing the unpleasant and untenable reality was indicated instead.

And, by the way, whether it’s our economy or our childbirth or our family finances or our unsubstantiated trust in others or our fitness, we can make believe all we want. 

But actuality will show up and be what is operational.

And beneath our conscious awareness, we are always cognizant of the real. 

And the distance between what is honest and true, and what we are either compulsively lying about or tolerating in others, only festers into great anxiety and fear and uncertainly.

So that we normal Neurotics blame ourselves, and those disordered Psychopaths and Narcissists (minimally 3-4% of who you encounter out there) of course always blame everyone else. 

Which is where they show their cards. That and their well hidden cache of precious secrets.

So I began untangling and teasing out the deep tough underlying stuff we all have , that, whether we like it or not, impacts us profoundly . And inhibits physical health and longevity and our creativity and our peace of mind.

Which is our Core Work. The big tough bad work waiting patiently for us to agree to address. 

So we can break away from old stuff and go off and discover what is actually possible .

What a surprise it is, to go do the down and dirty tough emotional work, and then cycle back around ,and watch what becomes impacted by the past being laid to rest, and the present rising up and flourishing.

When we arrive there, the myriad of obstructions are minimal. 

Our clarity returns. And we say ‘Well, I don’t know about planning this this this and this, but let’s first go with this one.’ And then we do.

And we do so carefully, thinking out how to relate to ourselves , how to plan it. 

What style and words and strategy will work. And then we do.

And, no one is perfect. Ever. Always there is more to notice and let float up and become aware of and let go of and heal up and comfort down from the ledge.

But there is a learning curve.
There is an operational wisdom.

We are actually wired for this, and when we agree and understand and begin,

the developmental process in our dna simply begins it's majestic unfolding.

And then, with that infrastructure and that will, there is a way.

12.29.18 Out With The Wild

Yesterday during the thaw, at night, the young Bobcat 
walked on down the farmers fields road, 
and the mud saved the moment, and then last night it froze.



Then the next day, after another thaw and another freeze,
there a teeny tiny itty bitty Possum had come on by.

12.30.18 No Destination

So often ,what we encounter are simply places along the way, on the way to the next place.

Not destinations. 

But when we’re young, we start out thinking/wondering/hoping/worrying every single thing is a destination ,where we will arrive ,and there will be some completion. 

How very simple.

And then when, over and over, the imagined result disappoints, we think something is wrong.

Instead of understanding that in fact it’s all right.

Going along our path.

Catching sight of one place, which in fact brings us to the next.

Making our choices. Having our consequences. 

Learning slowly what and who and how to trust. 

Because really, the trusting is of ourselves, and that is all we ever need.

12.30.18 Down By the Mill and Hollows

I’d lived in this town at 24, in a big old house with friends, working and going to school 

I’d been at a small party, at 23, followed up by an ill advised date, right round the corner 
 
Then I'd had my first in this town. And my second, born in my living room, right down the street

I always brought my first tromping round all the woods and fields and dales

Then brought him and his first good friends to play out back here, upon the broad steep rocks, the swift shallow falls, on scorching hot summer days. 

The rushing waters streaming past, over their small bare feet, as we carefully navigated the slippery moss, the stolid bumpy enormous boulder. As our noses burned and their laughter and interest filled the day

Brought my next two here, to homeschooling fairs, and to explore books, our lunches packed, 
ready to after go exploring through the forests. To unwind from life and integrate life and weave the wind and the hills and the land far into our selves

Always, it's into the land, into the forest, the streams and fields

Now, 40 years later, I’ve brought myself here in the late afternoon
for a small Sunday meal, a glass of wine

For a stroll through the galleons of used books, wandering up steep hidden staircases and down wobbly hallways, books everywhere , stacked, shelved, untold surprises, creations all

 And then a cold wander about the wooded walkways, as the day's light vanished and the golden lights hung overhead and lamps within various buildings like a small village

Shone out into the darkening day, as the falls sang loud and far 

Golden lights streaming in the approaching darkness
Always it's to go  greet the stream






The late day's light upon the falls, through the trees

12.31.17 Self Care In Difficult Times

Sometimes, the circumstances in our lives become more complex. 
Sometimes the plot thickens.

Sometimes, in order to really show up for someone , we begin doing things. 
Eating as well as we can. Perhaps going out and taking a walk or exercising. 
To ensure we can still sleep as well as possible. To ensure that we are healthy and calm and well as much as possible. 

Perhaps meditating little bit, to protect our sleep, to protect our peace of mind during the days.
We seek these measures out just for sanity, learning to be present, integrating mindfulness, just to get through this moment, and the next. 

Because no matter what is coming, we can manage the present moment. 

And with the exception of mindfully processing the past or future, with the exception of pragmatically planning the future, really what keeps us from suffering, even in the  toughest circumstance, is remaining only right here, right now.
Until all of these measures we are taking, to manage the best we can, for ourselves, and especially, for someone we love, all these measures are holding us. Stabilizing us. Enabling us to do that which we most want to do. Be present.

And sometimes, in these  tough times, we begin to notice those around us.
And those who don’t seem to be able to be present. With us. 

They have convictions or assumptions, or fears. When we are in proximity, they push us and pull us and pile their fears and convictions upon us, not seeing how they are burdening our tough road, our tough efforts.
With difficult times, we fine-tune our ability to be present for some, we fine-tuning obstructions. Reinforcing supports. Moving away from those who don’t.

And in this fine-tuning of who we are in proximity to, it is no fault.
There is no good and bad. There is simply acknowledging what fits best for us, right now. And then making our choices, taking our responsibility, as we get down to what matters most.
Others in our lives we can care about. We can want the best for them.
But when things get this kind of difficult, we rearrange. Who is closest to us, who impacts us, who impairs our path, and who supports it.

Like a winter storm, tough circumstances clear away the habits, the proximity to people, all the other things that are not strong enough. That actually don’t fit well . And we slowly, in the storm, break free. Break clean.
We can care about those who we choose not to have in closer proximity, when their attitudes or their fears trundle our own economized struggling best efforts. 

And they can go on in their own lives, being responsible for their own choices. And their own consequences.
The meantime, we are a fine tuning organism. Our intent is to be clear, clean, well nourished, stable and strong.As we turn toward that in our life which we are supporting. As we hunker down, providing  our attentiveness, our care, simply being fully present.And sometimes, in these  tough times, we begin to notice those around us.
And those who don’t seem to be able to be present. With us. 

They have convictions or assumptions, or fears. When we are in proximity, they push us and pull us and pile their fears and convictions upon us, not seeing how they are burdening our tough road, our tough efforts. 

With difficult times, we fine-tune our ability to be present for the one we are the carers for, fine-tuning obstructions. Reinforcing supports. Moving away from those who don’t.

And in this fine-tuning of who we are in proximity to, it is no fault.
There is no good and bad. There is simply acknowledging what fits best for us, right now. And then making our choices, taking our responsibility, as we get down to what matters most.
Others in our lives we can care about. We can want the best for them.

But when things get this kind of difficult, we rearrange. Who is closest to us, who impacts us, who impairs our path, and who supports it.

Like a winter storm, and in strange  tough circumstances, we clear away the habits, the proximity to people, all the other things that are not strong enough. That actually don’t fit well . And we slowly, in the storm, break free. Break clean.

We can care about those who we choose not to have in closer proximity, when their attitudes or their fears trundle our own economized struggling best efforts. 

And they can go on in their own lives, being responsible for their own choices. And their own consequences.

The meantime, we are a fine tuning organism. Our intent is to be clear, clean, well nourished, stable and strong.

As we turn toward that in our life which we are supporting. 

As we hunker down, providing attentiveness, our care, simply being fully present.