9.19.15 And then I was in a tunnel, yeah, with golden light, right, and there was light at the end of the tunnel, and it was....Connecticut!

9.18.15 Crab crab crab crab crabby

Crab crab crab crab crabby
 needs no excuse
has no rationale
asks for no remedy
just wants a little time to itself
Pfft

9.18.15 Deal, or no deal

If you want to be involved with what works, and what actually makes a difference, and you actually look into the history of healing and medicine, you begin to realize just what is. And what is, is that each type of healing and medicine has a different toolbox. And yeah, there are all kinds of factors that influence what develops in that tool box. 

And carpenters can't fix pipes, while plumbers don't generally build door frames, so you really have to wake up and get pragmatic if you want to not stress, and to be as healthy as you can be. 

Standing over a system of Western Medicine wanting their tool box to hold stuff it has never held doesn't make a whole lot of difference to your health or the future. Educating yourself about what has garnered respect, interest, or use, and seems to work, matters. Learning slowly how things work and why in some situations and not others, is important. 

Long ago many of us realized we could use our money for copays to see someone who didn't even have our condition, or a non-invasive remedy in their tool box , or we could carefully investigate and then judiciously try out other ways of healing ourselves, in a manner of great common sense and being well informed. 

There are so many ways to learn about how our bodies work, what hurts and what helps them. It's good to focus on what will make a difference. I don't want to waste my time feeling angry and frustrated by what is real. 

That some conditions are recognized and some are not. That Asthma and ALS and many other conditions were considered psychosomatic 50 years ago.That babies were thought to feel no pain until the last few decades! That pain relief was just not of interest or concern until recently. It just is what it is. And it changes by popular demand, and it takes a long long time. 

Better to study well and do slow careful literature reviews and then go do what works. The culture changes because it follows the money. It just takes lots of time, and I"m not going to spend mine butting my head against how things have worked for a long long time.

9.18.15 Some days just end up being low down days

Some days just end up being low down days. Where nothing in particular has changed, but it is not a 'Ok. I can just appreciate this and do this" day. It's not a "Find the best of the moment" kind of time. It's just a being all low down and not inspired or hopeful or any old thing, just being there, feeling the glum and the tired and the way things are. A time for all things under heaven.

 

9.18,15 I ventured out without him later on, the day still dark along the fields nearby

, damp from the night despite the recent searing days, and I found myself along a dirt road, curved toward some destination, down through the fields, and filled with purple and blue and yellow and pink wild flowers, having their very last fling before drying, falling to sleep, providing seeds for birds the whole winter long.

 

9.18.15 The lone crow, sweeping by through the early morning soup

9.18.15 Growing up in waspland, USA

Growing up in upper middle class waspland, the reality was pretty clear . Some people were more valuable than others, and they needed to be tall, wasps , wealthy , attractive, ruthless at amassing money, and powerful. They would be entitled , excluding. They got no speeding tickets, were treated with great regard by the legal system , the local town looked the other way . They quietly threatened those who would not play along with spoken threats , or implied threats to job or connections or lies about facts or reputations. They had long memories and a vengeance for payback . 

The essence of WASP is to act one way and be another. Bite backs. Embrace hypocrisy . Trust no one, and be untrustworthy . Have no idea who you are. 

Money and power got you into any job , got you any reference you wished, any school, any degree regardless of whether you did the work or not. Any club was yours for the taking, the connections rampant and incisive . 

Appearance was everything , and got you married with more connections , won you contracts , increased your inherited wealth , got you out of trouble you didn't want and into the trouble you did . 

No one with entitlement and privilege has any idea how much of their life has been afforded them simply on the grounds that those around them must comply with the dominant power. Or else .