3.15.17 Noone

The deep enough snow 

down by the farmers fields

 With no one about

 

3.15.17 Regainment

It was cold and I was tired and the snow was thick and deep. 

So I hitched up the boyo onto the long leash, and he ran down along the plowed dirt road, down by the vast silent farmers fields,vigorously chewing and then harshly shake shaking his leash, ferociously growl growling all the while. 

Letting out those big muscle hoo ha's and licking the untouched snow and cocking his head as he listened to field mice in their underground winter cities and tunnels, far below the newly fallen snow.

I looked around the big flat fields and said a little prayer, hoping this wildlife refuge will remain , at least until after I am all gone. Taking comfort in knowing that some day, all of us will be gone. 

And the earth will regain itself.

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3.15.17 The land strewn

Down by the farmers fields, it was cold and windy
the land strewn with deep enough snow
to prove some help to the water table, come summer.
It's always about the water table.
It's always about the water table .

3.15.17 The wobbly donkey of long term relationships

     People love to romanticize long term relationships. Sometimes I think they love the fantasy more than becoming aware of the messy, non-Disney Movie probability. 
     Most long term relationships I know are kind of tweaked. Being loved does not mean there is someone there who is interested in what interests you, what matters to you, what you create, or what your dreams are.
     And, funny thing, most times they ( and us) think they are. Interested in all those things. 
     Most long term relationships I know are filled with factors many of my single friends thought were grounds for breaking up or divorce.
     As if flushing while you're in the shower, your artwork boring them , not wanting to do stuff with you, being unable to be alone with the kids without losing it, being unwilling to do finances together, not being interested in your birthday, or not helping dig the grave for the dog because they hated having pets... as if all that isn't right in the thick of a long term relationship.
     That even includes being madly in love while absolutely not being able to stand certain traits.
     A long term relationship is like a unique garden that somehow takes root, often in the most surprising places. That stutters and struggles, and all the while grows deep beautiful things. And not the things you expected or were hoping for.
     More than once, old friends have disowned me ,for suggesting that their midlife or 50's or 60's fantasy yearnings, just around the corner, for this stylized Soul Mate, who asks you what you truly want...just might not be real life stuff.
     Just might be something I myself have never seen anyone ever bump into, or live.
     Maybe real life love is messy. Maybe you have to deal with kids by yourself, even if ideologically your beloved doesn't believe in sex roles. Maybe you need to come up with your own delicious birthday plan every year, and find others to share artistic inspiration with. And like your stuff while you like theirs.
     Maybe along the way it's worth it to big bunches of people to opt out, while, for now, its worth it to others to keep on.
     Maybe a long term relationship is a little wobbly donkey, who gets easily overburdened, and just needs to be cared for , and the enjoyed, while it slowly meanders along.

3.15.17 One more go-around

     I've been thinking over if I slowly put aside resources to go do one more thing, what would it be? I don't yearn to go to other countries. My health wouldn't pull it off, and I'm resigned to that. It's ok now.      But I think I'd love to go on a road trip. 
     Where you get to go for a period of time, and maybe borrow a pop up trailer to sleep in campgrounds or have rest days. S-l-o-w-l-y drive across the land. When it's not too hot and not too cold. Maybe with a friend for part of it.
     The driving with an open future is a beautiful thing. Before I had kids, I traversed the country a lot, on down into Mexico for grand adventures, up into Canada some. The finding yourself in new and more distant places is wonderful.
     I'm not certain if I would have specified goals, because if I had to turn back or didn't make them, I'd just be disappointed.
     So maybe instead, a generalized heading off toward. Toward some hills. Toward some waters. There is a special place in my heart for West Virginia hills. The North Carolina mountains and old old places.       The vast Arizona places. Waking up one place. Going to sleep another.
     Finding myself in some lovely places in this country. Seeing how it goes. Or saving up to have some nice younger person drive. One more go around.
     So many of us don't know it's too late for a go around til it just about is.      
I'm wondering how to push a little to find out what's possible.
     And then hunker down into health, and circumstances, the present day, and the life that's been lived .
     Mine has been a tough one and an outrageously cool one. I'm grateful and I'm satisfied.
     I've slowly learned to let go of what most probably will not happen .
     But I sure would like to have that feel of quietly driving off off to somewhere different again.

3.15.17 It's ok.

It's ok. Just curl up and go to bed. Maybe go to sleep. 

Maybe watch the curtain ripple in the cold cold night. 

Don't peruse the worries. Don't fall into regrets or bitterness. 

Just be here now, your heavy blankets embracing your wonder and uncertainty and life blood. Keep breathing. 

Let this moment pass, and this one, and then that. 

You are not alone, no matter what you think. 

You are not the only one feels this way. 

It is far more commonplace than you think. 

Let love deep down into you and fill you up and push out your grief and find your smile emergent upon your face as you rest.

 

3.14.17 Until you wake up

Until you wake up, I sit in the early light
Here, I sit and sing to myself

The birds and squirrels come
and feed and feed again
in a silence that portends storm

Until you wake up, I shuffle through
possibilities shifting alongside
memories in amongst my clamoring clasp

Oh, how this life staggers
It's variant moments stacked up
jumbled together
Dominoes of so much faith

So many unfathomable exergies
Arrivals as you sleep
Perient small soft song