I think that when we have grown kids, and we're trying to figure
out how they want to know us, or if they do, it's really easy to miss the
point.
The point is not defensively enumerating all their short comings,as proof that
it must be their fault.
The point is not dismissing ourselves as deficient or damaged, and just not
perfect enough for the task, so no wonder.
The situation is always more complex than that.
Learning to get to know and parent adult children is a whole New World. Maya
Angelou used to talk about how much she sucked at parenting little kids, but
was great at knowing them as adults.
Just because that's sometimes true doesn't mean we can't study and observe and
ask questions, and grow through enough of our own crap,to come to know our
children, with the intent of seeing them for who they really are, as opposed to
what we project upon them.
Even 50 years ago, it was expected that offspring be deferential and helpful to
their parents, moreso as the parents aged. The truth is, that was never a
Disney movie either. It's not like it worked out perfectly every time.
The other piece is that the more off-balance or destructive a person we sometimes
are, the less we see the true way we are with others , never mind the
predictable trajectory of how we behave,in our life.
Luckily, perfection is not necessary.
Luckily, we can slowly and thoughtfully reflect on ways we were or reactions we
had with our kids, that might not of been helpful or kind or fit them well at
all.
Luckily, with enough self-confidence and support, grown kids can decide for
themselves what kind of connection they want with their parents.
Each of us is a grown kid, and we had to decide the same thing. If we felt more
obligated, because of social mores, that still is our responsibility, and not
something we can insist upon from our children.
And yes, those of us who parented kids flung ourselves into a new paradigm, in
reaction to the one we were raised from, not realizing how we were swinging the
pendulum the other way. Even if it was more kind and conscientious and
thoughtful. Because that kind of parenting doesn't necessarily guarantee a
balanced result. I really think that's OK. These things happen. Hindsight is
20/20.
You can be a devoted well-intentioned good enough parent, and have things go
terribly wrong, and then handle them the best you can, making all sorts of
mistakes in the process. That's OK.
But the bottom line is, where are we today? And what is the nature of our
relating with our grown children?
Too many of us wake up and realize that things are not going as smoothly or as
well as we anticipated, based on how hard we worked to be a really really good
parent.
We're puzzled. We're angry, for a while. We're very very disappointed. And
sometimes it takes us a number of years to get over feeling betrayed. How could
this happen,after everything we did?
But shit just happens in life. And sometimes we contribute to it in ways that
are difficult for us to either perceive or own up to.
It's quite a skill to not denigrate ourselves with blame, but instead carefully
and thoughtfully grow aware of ways we were that could have been better.
Reflecting upon the overall process of knowing that kid as they grow up,
watching all their weirdo stuff , while celebrating what they managed.
It doesn't help to make a list of all the screwed up things about them, that
help us feel a little bit less to blame, for things not going that well.
And then, there is reinventing what "going well enough" constitutes.
You get to choose your criteria. And if we feel powerless against spending each
day embittered and disappointed in who they are and how much they like us or
want to be with us or do things for us, that is not going to help at all. It
won't help the relationship,, And it won't help us relish and build our own
lives to be as good as possible.
I find it helpful to take a walk or sit mindfully, looking out a window. And
just letting the thoughts and feelings come up, as they do, identifying them to
myself.
Say to myself "Oh,that's a thought." Because, by identifying what has
been waiting to come up be digested, it gets to be digested a little bit more.
We get a little further on down the line toward our own peace of mind and
clarity and acceptance of whatever is happening.
So all of us can do this. Sit there in a quiet moment.
And up comes "How does this ever happen? I was not horrible to my children
like my parents were to me!"
And we pause. We say to ourselves "There is a thought."
We sit there, breathing, not thinking about things or deciding things, just
being with that thought, telling ourselves that it is a thought. It's not
reality. It's not what's happening. It's not proof. It's not anything else. It
simply is a thought, and we sit and let it be a thought. Because if we do pull
that off, it gets digested and it turns into some kind of compost.
We get released from feeling beleaguered by this thought. We stop mistaking the
thought for what is really happening.
So that we get to have a new life, after we do that. Instead of our kid being
exactly like that thought, our kid is, well, something else. And our life is
too.
We're walking down the road in the too cold weather, and the wind comes up and
slips down our neck, past our collar, and we feel shock and grief stricken,
that we are not close good easy smooth friends with our kid.
That in order to be with them, we really need to be aware, and not just say any
old thing, and let go of things they promised to do.
Suddenly, we remember mindfulness.
So as we take one step after another, as the bright sun shines down upon us,
while we are all alone walking somewhere cold. We walk, saying to ourselves
"That is a feeling."
And then we walk, feeling how that wrenches us apart. We feel how angry and sad
and betrayed and wronged and surprised we feel. It just strikes us in our core.
As we walk along, we're not sure if we really can manage to just feel this
feeling.
But we remind ourselves as we take step after step. We say to ourselves
"That is a feeling." We don't think about laundry We turn ourselves back from being distracted by
work, or what was on the news,or what someone said at the store yesterday.
We gently turn ourselves back to just walking with this difficult feeling. And
we keep reminding ourselves that this is a feeling.
It's not pushing. It's not forcing. It's just kind of moving ourselves around
so that we let this come up.
And then? It passes by. Passes by, and somehow we feel lighter.
Those feelings and thoughts are not bearing down upon us,
twisting our thinking, convincing us of the great betrayal of all time that
this felt like it was.
The searching for who's fault it was. The defending ourselves.
The list of their shortcomings. The outrage. It all simply begins to settle
down. To quiet down. And move on by.
For many of us, before we ever had a kid, we wanted one thing.
Above all else. And that was just somehow to be able to grow and learn enough
that we could know our kid and respond to them and see them for who they really
were, as far from our own projections as we could possibly manage.
The grass always looks greener in someone else's yard. But relationships are
always complex. Communication is difficult at best. There are all kinds of
compromises made all the time. And we only know our own.
So how worthwhile it is, to take responsibility for our own thoughts and
feelings. To give them quiet gentle air time, to become composted. To break
down.
In life, we can always tell when something that we are doing is working
,because it does not stay stuck and stagnant. It moves and it changes.
If the situation is just a tough situation, or the type of deal is a hard one
for us as an individual, that's that.
But suffering is optional. Loving and caring about our kids, regardless of how
they are with us, gives us peace of mind. Why not take the responsibility to
get there.
