1.2.19 Not Believing

It’s so odd. It’s like I’m standing on the street corner and I’m watching people I know and they come up to me to converse.

And I’m like ‘This is so important to me and equity is vital and equal rights and honesty’ 

And they’re like ‘Oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah’

And then off they go and they’re gossiping about family and friends all over in this self justifying cruel way 

And they’re spewing hateful language to others, testing that water oh so carefully at first, then treading a little heavily in, encouraging others to speak epithets 

Under their breath sharing information about her or him that is private and not theirs to share 

And then sidling back over to me and making believe oh yeah all about awareness and honest and truth 

While their partner and family are well and fully flummoxed and come to believe yeah this hateful blatant coercive discriminatory crap must be just aok

And I am just standing there watching the truth of them they think they are hiding , just completely blown away.

1.1.19 Making Believe

It’s amazing to me how often we as a species conspire with ourselves and others to make believe. That if we eat this or drink that or take this or smoke that or say this or do that, well then, ooohhh, this other improvement will come on down the line. It will deliver us to feel better.

What great powers a meal or ice cream or a bunch of beer is expected to have. A little juicy circle of pathology.

Thing is, we then fall into this trance.

Of doing it over and over and having friends say ‘Oh that was so hard, you really need a drink .’ Or big piece of pie or a break or to drive fast or buy something.

And then we do and the best part actually is the anticipation .

Ok ok, and maybe the dissociation. 

Kinda like a ‘leave yourself, avoid feeling all that stuff and processing it down effectively ‘ deal. 

As if things will go well if e lead so much of our life stepping out of it. Abandoning our selves.

We keep believing that eating this
or doing that
will make us feel better
and it never ever does.

No, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t taste good or we don’t welcome the escape.

It means it does not work.

But we stay with it, sticking with the make believe story we tell ourselves and each other.

And then, we find ourselves aggrieved
by how lost and lonely and stuck we feel .

1.1.19 God Says Yes To Me

I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic

and she said yes
I asked her if it was okay to be short
and she said it sure is
I asked her if I could wear nail polish
or not wear nail polish
and she said honey
she calls me that sometimes
she said you can do just exactly
what you want to
Thanks God I said
And is it even okay if I don’t paragraph
my letters
Sweetcakes God said
who knows where she picked that up
what I’m telling you is
Yes Yes Yes

Kaylin Haught

1.1.19 Dying Lying

It will be all out of order 

I will mime my apologies
There is nothing can be done
Castles made of sand, all that

But gradually it comes clear
To each of us in our own place
In our own time, unless we hide
Making up stories to shield ourselves

Wasting our precious time here
And then die lying
There are some that
Die lying

1.1.19 Oasis

Last night we went down to the oasis, in the midst of the cultivated fields.
It’s my experience that we encounter not one tick when the fields are regularly cultivated. 

The night was coming on, but slowly, for Solstice has moved on, and we with our sun are warmer, brighter.

The fields were hardly muddy anymore, with such warm days again, the very last of ice beginning their melt.

Dante was busily engaged far up round the corner, following his nose, and I suspected and realized the coyote probably had a kill.

Far overheard the dark cloudy skies held a light blue, a hint of pink, of salmon. As I tromped about happily, admiring limbs, beautiful long legged trunks, stretching to the sky. 

Til I whistled for the boyo, and he came, dancing and a prancing, waded in to the waters, had a drink and a bit of a soak. 

And so we turned and slowly made our way back, across the softening fields. 

Through the layer of leaves, fallen down upon the ground.

Slowly composting their way back to earth once again.

12.31.18 Learning

"When you learn really, you learn throughout your life
without being the pupil of any master in particular. 
Everything is an excuse to learn: 
a dead leaf, a bird in flight, a smell, a tear, the poor and the rich, 
those who cry, the smile of a woman, the arrogance of a man. 
Everything is a lesson; 
it is not a guide, a philosopher, a guru or a master. 
The Master is life itself, and you are in constant learning. "
                                                  J.K.

12.30.18 Never Forget

The Nation lives forever. 
The People spring like trees from the earth.
One can not kill the spirit.
The spirit is eternal and attached to this Holy place. We remember.
Our heart is buried at Wounded Knee.

Crow DogWidow