Sometimes a day really takes the cake. The cake of all cakes. Some days are simply so hard you wonder if you will keep breathing and walking your way through the part that is so unrelenting.
We sometimes have a life where we bump into these times. We sometimes have a life where the unrelenting bit is a frequent flyer. AND some of us have great great challenges that most people forget about or don't know about.
Tremendous pain. Possibly life shortening conditions . Necessary isolation. Exhaustion. So much more.
And no matter what the deal is in your own life, sometimes we feel so unable to bear the weight. We feel so all alone.
The bearing of it and want wish hoping for something a bit more manageable transforms into forgetting the power- of consciously letting go and sitting back and just accepting the physical or emotional pain or health condition or fear or anger or frustration or sense of injustice or difficulty physically going places when surrounded by those who go anywhere anytime without realizing it is a gift, pain or no pain, to be able to do that .
I had one of those times today. Where so much just seemed to bash into the day like a messy noisy zillion car pileup.
Where I was so frustrated. I was trying so hard . I was researching and trying and struggling and reaching and hoping and despite my best initiative and hopeful intentions, in the midst of all all that trying and working and hoping, I really forgot all about the most important part.
Which is to be. To BE with whatever is happening . To take time out, consciously, to make a point if it; and walk or watch or breathe or sit or lay down and spend time just Being with it all.
To sit there and feel the physical and emotional and how life now is not what you planned and to just settle deep down into the WHOLE DEAL and say Yes.
Yes this is happening. Pause. Feel it.
Yes I didn't plan this. Pause. Feel.
Yes I'm feeling so heartbroken and sick of it and scared about the future. Pause. Feel.
And there we go... We slowly settle back down into where we belonged all along -deep in our selves.
Today someone I have known for years answered me while I was lost. And they gave me a list. That they kept adding to. Of all the all the things they have learned to gather to themselves , over the years, when these times happen.
It was a brilliant list. It was a loving list. A wise list. They said that by giving it to me , they were putting it all down for themselves !
But I didn't see the bright wise reassuring reminding list til I got home later and recharged my phone . And boom , like the very best thing that could ever pop out a real and delicious and good for you cake, there it was . The Big Gift. But first....
My phone was dead , my client nowhere to be found, my office problematic, my health difficult , my car towed, my husband driven home, more and more things bumping into each other as they fell like a long line of dominoes.... Boom boom boom boom boom.
And so I took off for the woods with my dog-which I have done my whole life.
Since I was tiny I took to the woods. When I was little, I knew the trees sang to me.
They sang and soothed me and told me it would get better and they were always always there. So we tromped across the broad conservation field next door that soon will be a no- go because of no snow and therefore ticks .
We entered the forest and crossed the whispering spring far down in the ravine.
And we somehow kept on going.
The rain sang in the woods, dropping into the swift running waters and splattering upon pale gold Beech leaves and crooned all about us like a chorus.
.
The edge of the ridge I hadn't managed to walk to for years came upon us, and we stopped to gaze far down bow at the Connecticut River outwaters, teeming with luxuriant life in all seasons.
We came upon Coyote holes dug for meals , and little rodent openings used to scurry out and grab some seeds.
We tromped by trees with snow receding from beautiful roots as Spring approaches.
.
We trudged by an aged dead tree with so many woodpecker holes: dust to dust.
And then we followed the stream back, kinda wishing for an airlift, but with all the confusing overwhelm drained from all that struggle through the snow. All that breathing. Of fresh fresh forest air.
We became aware . Peaceful. Present. Tired . Ached. Back in body. Back in the moment. In the actual real life. The difficult and the lovely. The whole big package.
The rain turned to snow as the sky darkened , the pup one year old today, following and watching carefully on a happy nutso wow Whatta Whatta walk today!
Back up the hill, with little breathers- gazing at the elegant lined cloud formations .
Snow falling all around, that immutable forest and field sound as each flake lands.
Tipping your head way back and closing your eyes and feeling them gentlestly settle on your skin .
Opening your eyes to watch the hypnotic wonder of them floating down toward you in an endless weightless dance.
Turning toward the house , lights shining. Creatures waiting, slowly heading back on home.
Not even suspecting that there will be waiting a long gift list . From afar. Of wise loving learned- from- such- hard-times wisdom, delivered . Just perfect. On, it turns out, just another perfect living day
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