3.21.15 A difficult, yet important heads up

I often think about, and read about, dying. It seems a good thing to prepare for. It seems a good intention to have this day of ours, this moment, informed by. A difficult thing to do. Our primary motivation to consider dying is to smooth our own experience(s) in the future.

When you speak to hospice nurses or read well thought-out books about aging and dying, what you encounter is the lack of realism involved with a ‘dying with dignity’. Sherwin Nuland, author of “How We Die”, wrote, “The greatest dignity to be found in death is the dignity of the life that preceded it. “ Tough one, right? As a doctor, he writes about the mythology of dying with dignity. 

Sherwin Nuland was a surgeon, bioethicist, essayist, and Yale professor, (1930-2014). He wrote this book in 1993, and now has had this experience of dying.

It seems as if learning to live while accepting what is - is preparation for ease in our days, and more resilience as we age and approach dying. Less pain; more gain. Who wants to be caught up short in misconceptions and heartrending realities while something important is happening. 

Sometimes people die at home, surrounded by loved ones. Music? Whatever.That is THE fantasy. The dream. But most often? We die in a hospital. If you have known people as they died, you know how confusing and unpredictable the time of death can often be. The wasting away. The waiting. The exhaustion. The attempt at being up for being present for someone, while the process takes so much for them and for you. 

Here again, mindfulness, whose essence offers a way of simply being with what is, seems key. Yes, this is exhausting. Learning to say 'Yes there are all kinds of paradoxes here.'  Yes we all have regrets. Yes this is frightening. Yes this seems so far from the vibrant person this individual was. Yes, who we are as we lie dying is the same person who ran around doing all those things. Learning the ability to feel our distress, learning that we can then watch it go by, is key. In training for living a full life, no matter whether spring is late or we are ill. No matter what. In training for ease as we age and die.

Sherwin Nulan also speaks of the second important thing to learn about dying. That there always is the grappling with regret. “Unresolved conflicts. Breached relationships not healed. Potential unfulfilled. Promises not kept. Years that will never be lived.” This should not be a surprise to us, and I truly don’t want to find myself in a minute or in thirty years being all thrown by it.

 I truly want to learn about these two things in particular, the probable messiness of actual dying. The reality of accepting what is and is not, when we are old or dying.

I am moved to learn this for a very simple selfish reason. I really don’t want to be asleep at the wheel about these things, and then, OH! Find myself all surprised and overwhelmed and taken out at the knees by not in some way learning about these things now. Living a life that is informed by these wise considerations. Breathing and moving and making choices today that take these into consideration, as I make my breakfast, gaze at the newly fallen spring snows, acknowledge all that all that I would want to be different, and find the path to be at peace with what is.