It's so easy to not notice, when we have
attitudes. Attitudes gleaming like stuck ways of thinking or feeling about
something, that, because it makes us more stuck, adds weight to any other
garbage we are carrying around. Makes life weigh more, become more unwieldy.
What we think or feel about something is not necessarily an attitude, until we dig in our heels. We hold onto it. We carry it around, showing it to others, to ourselves. Saying "See? See? This thing that we don't like? Or that we really like?"
This morning I walked into a large natural food store, got something.
Thing is, while I was walking out, I was harboring my attitude of dislike. I could suddenly feel what was usually unfelt, could perceive the distinct parameters of the thick crusty thing.
Oh, and I have my reasons.
Can you detect defensive justification ?
Because, you see, by me tendering these stuck handfuls of resentment, I keep it fresh, I keep the distaste of the place close up and personal.
I did come to, then, and caught sight of how I carefully keep a lot of stuff in a carefully tended little garden of grudge.
Which is when mindfulness wandered in, cocked their head, and said quietly "Hey, do you need some help digesting that all of crap you're carrying around ?"
And I said " Oh my God. That's what I'm doing. "
And suddenly I noticed how it weighed something.
How keeping an arrangement like this weighs down life.
Weighs down clarity.
Or any capacity to be present.
So "yeah" , I mutter back to myself, "Yeah, I do."
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