It's hard for us to perceive how the trajectory
of a friendship has much to do with our own choices. We can have Go Slow or
Stop! Yield, One Way, Dead End, or Construction Ahead.
We sometimes can just not pay attention, and let any old someone go racing round the corners of our relating, while we mindlessly trample through their yard.
We can mistake these encounters for closeness, or assume that big and small misunderstandings are just part of knowing someone.
Most of the messes I end up with have at least something to do with ways I chose not to notice or remain aware. Ways I, out of old habits, go leaping about, as if that always has gone so well.
And with life is so often being quite the difficult deal, we just don't feel like remaining at attention.
But there are some skills and good old limits we can learn well enough, that then, they are under our belt. Pretty functional unless we get thrown off the path. We can get all tricked out with our navigational skills.
Even then, with hindsight, we begin learning that IF we have been thrown off, regardless of whether the actuality is to our approval or not, we can postpone or take special care. So we're not veering around, with nobody at the wheel.
Each time we share a whole lot about ourselves, we change the fences of the relationship.
Which is tough, because sometimes we care about a friend who is having a lousy time. We feel for them. We want to be there in support. And we can. It just supports the relationship better to do it with awareness, instead of drama infused abandon.
If we have a tendency to either suck at boundaries, or have numerous complications with friends and acquaintances (that we are fond of blaming on them, or on 'men' or on other categorized groups), then we might want to make the effort to mentor ourselves in new ways. And remain awake until we seem to get them down pat.
Even then, we all get triggered. It can be a small trigger, that leads us to believe this fine person in front of us is 'just like my old best friend' or something like that. Then we yearn to close our eyes, to fall asleep, to go with the automatic pilot.
But that does not tend to go well. Ever. Navigating while asleep at your wheel. Think bumper cars with blindfolds.
No matter how tough our circumstances, or how we might in the moment enjoy tossing ourselves into the friendship, if we agree to more and more things without being awake and aware, we will surely find ourselves waking up far from home.
We sometimes can just not pay attention, and let any old someone go racing round the corners of our relating, while we mindlessly trample through their yard.
We can mistake these encounters for closeness, or assume that big and small misunderstandings are just part of knowing someone.
Most of the messes I end up with have at least something to do with ways I chose not to notice or remain aware. Ways I, out of old habits, go leaping about, as if that always has gone so well.
And with life is so often being quite the difficult deal, we just don't feel like remaining at attention.
But there are some skills and good old limits we can learn well enough, that then, they are under our belt. Pretty functional unless we get thrown off the path. We can get all tricked out with our navigational skills.
Even then, with hindsight, we begin learning that IF we have been thrown off, regardless of whether the actuality is to our approval or not, we can postpone or take special care. So we're not veering around, with nobody at the wheel.
Each time we share a whole lot about ourselves, we change the fences of the relationship.
Which is tough, because sometimes we care about a friend who is having a lousy time. We feel for them. We want to be there in support. And we can. It just supports the relationship better to do it with awareness, instead of drama infused abandon.
If we have a tendency to either suck at boundaries, or have numerous complications with friends and acquaintances (that we are fond of blaming on them, or on 'men' or on other categorized groups), then we might want to make the effort to mentor ourselves in new ways. And remain awake until we seem to get them down pat.
Even then, we all get triggered. It can be a small trigger, that leads us to believe this fine person in front of us is 'just like my old best friend' or something like that. Then we yearn to close our eyes, to fall asleep, to go with the automatic pilot.
But that does not tend to go well. Ever. Navigating while asleep at your wheel. Think bumper cars with blindfolds.
No matter how tough our circumstances, or how we might in the moment enjoy tossing ourselves into the friendship, if we agree to more and more things without being awake and aware, we will surely find ourselves waking up far from home.
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