3.24.14 The Gift of Great Possibility

A time of great sadness, great change, and the gift of great possibility

4.25.14 Had We Blithely Passed By

Still, at 61, I am caught unawares, when circumstances seem to happen to us,

 and we manage the wisdom to walk about , holding the emotions of 

disappointment and grief, experiencing them - 

versus shielding ourselves from them. 

And that very willingness to do so lands us in a new place,
Full of surprise and appreciation at the turn of events , 

which reveal themselves as strangely beneficent.
As something we would not have chosen ; 

and blinded to, 

would have blithely passed by altogether.

3.25.14 Here Is The Moment

Here is the moment 

where Dialing for Dollars bings,

 Vannah helps to open JUST the right little door , 

Lady Luck shines her vibrant warm smile, 

and great faith and remarkable awareness coalesce

 to help manage the next month of

 ch ch changes.

3.24.14 Presumed Lost

How often do we reclaim parts of our selves, 

just by being present, 

that we had presumed lost?

3.24.14 A Day Of Extremes

Today was such a day of extremes.

Of clarity, surprise, disappointment, and sad goodbyes. And, being no spring chicken, knowing that other openings will soon follow on the heels of the sad goodbyes.  

Today was a day of loving friends, wise practitioners ,and support and realization and acceptance, all within a few hours, where so many circumstances needed to change; and fast. Dizzying, which IS our lives, at times.

 This aspect of big surprise and those remarkable moments....when so much suddenly becomes very clear.

It happens more often as we grow older.

As I am fond of saying, if we are lucky enough to be here long enough, it often gets tough.

Usually I am imagining the people I have known so very well, in the 70's and 80's and 90's. 

But today I am thinking of so many dear ones I know, nearby and afar, who are in their 60's, like myself, and have been learning to deal with some of those great big elements of surprise.

I guess this is where having practiced learning to BE with WHAT IS comes in handy.

Sure, we can be a little in shock when surprise comes knocking at our door.

Be it a health challenge, a necessity for change in work or home or partner or loved one or a realization of illness that will very possibly bring us to the end of our days here sooner than we anticipate.

 For who, I ask you, anticipates that just about anything will happen in OUR lives, versus someone else's? That's right. In our minds, from childhood, it all seems like its all going to happen to someone else. 

Which is why, not to be macabre or pessimistic but lovingly pragmatic, I often give thanks in prayer or meditation or out loud with friends, my beloved, or clients, for all the things that are NOT happening in this moment. 

Its important to not avoid sitting with what IS happening. But a bit after we have given ourselves the opportunity to feel and sit with and digest hard hard things and changes, it is also helpful to remind ourselves how we are  in such good company when it comes to hard times in life. That some things WILL happen in our own lives. Which brings us, often, from denial and wishful magical thinking 

(If I keep smoking without taking things to clean it out and I keep eating crappy hard to digest foods without compensating for that and I use RAID and commercial cleansers, but believe really really hard that I will never get cancer, that will be good enough). Yup.

to sitting up awake and aware, and choose to both relish all the wonder that fills our day, along with the really hard surprises, and to

choose to figure out ways of either changing harmful habits, or take things that compensate for them and then embrace the habits without rancor or shame. Because if its one thing I've learned, its that shame is the glue that attaches us relentlessly to habits. If you want to make SURE you continue to do things that are not the greatest, make sure to feel and sit in and roll about in...SHAME.

Its the coolest thing in the world to relish all the things that are great today, and then all the things that easily COULD be happening, that are not.

While looking eyes wide open at what is hard, and letting ourselves come to some modicum of 'Yes' about it.

For me, when hard things are realized, like health challenges and the necessity to work less and move my office home, I know it is not what others face. And I know it is sad and hard, that others have experienced the same or more difficult circumstances, and that I really will devote myself to head-on conscious awareness how I feel, so I can come out of it with the greatest capacity to be in the present moment, and appreciate it, as I can.

Today, having had a circle of practitioners/friends/devoted others provide the feedback I have been providing to others for years, I only now noticed how a dear friend experienced the very same event months back. I was shocked that, in the midst of so much, I didn't catch or manage to empathize with what this experience meant to them. Today I went back in my mind and remembered all the pieces, and settled into empathy with imagining what it had been like for them, while here they are, sending me loving empathetic notes, tender with such understanding.

Being here, we have such a wicked awesome funny odd weird learning curve, if we choose to. 

I remember being 21, in college, part of a Women's Counseling Collective in Brattleboro, VT. Being embraced by all these women with degrees and licenses, as we met weekly and I intoned my belief that counseling others without my values interfering was possible.

Ah, sweet silly learning one!

And I remember as if it was yesterday sitting on the floor in a circle with all these experienced therapists,who were listening respectfully to this young upstart, and then allocating the no fee therapy to low income, in need clients. Who I too would wander out, through the wilds of Vermont, to listen to and support.

My whole life has been informed by the patient, respectful, generosity of those women, who could easily have been dismissive, impatient, sarcastic, or could have just laughed my idealism off.

So yeah, learning curve we can have. Learning curve is the most amazing thing. Learning curve fosters compassion for our selves, eagerness for being in the most difficult moment, imperfectly, without goal or anticipation of reward or improvement. 

Learning curve devotees I meet by the legions, especially older people. Older than myself! Who have lived with that imperfect wisdom and been tempered by the winds and the tragedy, like some New England mountain range, worn but wizened.

Which is what I love about learning. And meeting face forward the events and surprises and hard times and resulting depth we each discover ourselves experiencing in our lives.

Of course, my motus is always 'Head for the woods', and so, after the weighing in of the wise loving ones I know, I did gather up my wild young pup and we went tromping through wide frozen melt, residual snow, past a frozen reservoir, whose inlet stream was flowing amber and singing. 

The pup racing into the frigid waters with delight, spinning about in the air because he could not contain the loveliness. 

The small Skunk cabbage peeking its way through the layers of last fall's leaves. 

The singing of arriving birds. 

The bright sun reflected and almost blinding in the stream. 

The old Pines scent filling the air about us, as the wind streamed through the needles far above. 

Hat on, frozen hands, earth still snow covered, March 24th, Shepherd racing about with glee...this is what feeds and repairs and heals me. 

This is what enables me to turn back to all that life holds, and greet it and embrace it.

 Each of us has our ways, and being a forest creature has always been mine. 

8.10.13 When our days are difficult, it is good to remember that ants and trees and bears and fleas and tigers and snakes and ticks and mycelium all endure challenges.

I often try to imagine what it's  like to be so many species and so many people. I imagine being so many known and unknown people all over the earth, in their neighborhoods; in their quiet lives, waking and going to bed and getting on with whatever their circumstances may be; with whatever options they may or may not have. At this moment.

When our lives are challenging, it can be comforting to remember that we are in good company. Now. And since the beginning of time. With others, all over the world. As we sit here.

When our days are difficult, it is good to remember that ants and trees and bears and fleas and tigers and snakes and ticks and mycelium all endure challenges. They get sick or die or get displaced or struggle in so many, many ways. As we speak.

One of the silliest things about humans...is we tend  to forget all this; we tend to forget the endless universe within which we are a small lovely short lived existence, and think it is hardest, most difficult, for humans, or especially, for us.

That is not to say there is not an important place for sitting or standing or walking or singing or talking or sobbing ...with what is so very hard for us ...today. In this moment. Seems we are here to take that time....with some awareness if we are blessed....to be aware of how these times feel, and give ourselves the gift of being with that experience.

There is also what people are calling 'First World Problems'. Meaning, not hunger or life threatening drought or genocide or refugee camps or war or no home or no schools or no...so many basic things. Course, there is a bunch of that here, in the U.S. But I do appreciate that distinction, when we, understandably, get tense about how on earth we are going to keep up with our car payments or an orthodontist fee or getting the furnace cleaned.

I once knew a person who was born independently wealthy. 
They would have parties where people would cater it and come in to clean and clean up afterwards and do all that stuff, and this person would get so STRESSED. When it came time for them to move, and they had people packing and carrying and labeling and driving and carrying and unpacking and cleaning, they were so STRESSED. I stood there just fascinated. Wondering what oblivious things I was unaware of in my own little life.

Seems like when we are really challenged by difficult experiences and feelings, learning how to simply BE  with that experience is the big secret, and has been, since f the beginning of time. Being with that sadness or rage or sense of deep betrayal or bereavement or terrible, unendurable physical pain, is the key to moving from suffering to the simpler aspect....of the pain.

In sessions with clients, I would commend them on their tears and sobs. I would sit and listen and hand them the tissues and then tell them how much easier it is for their immune system and necks and backs and hearts that they just told me all those hard, hard things about yesterday or years ago, and sat, saddened or angry or with a great sense of wrong, or cried. When they would get on the acupressure table, it was a palpable thing, always, the experiences they were expressing, or had held in. Or felt underserving to have. 

Sometimes we try to talk ourselves 'out of' giving ourselves an opportunity to sit or stand or walk or cry or share with someone else...that which hurts so much.

We tell ourselves others have it worse, so be quiet and hold it all in, tight. Now.
We tell ourselves it will do no good at all, so be quiet and hold it all in, tight, you weak fool. Now.
We tell ourselves it will be harder for those who depend upon us, if we 'give in' to having the gift of a moment of just standing there, feeling the great pain. Or disappointment. Or shame. Or envy.
We tell ourselves a really big fat lie, too- we say "It will do no good to cry or to talk about this or....fill in the blank. '  Which  happens to be patently untrue. 

But the most amazing thing about being a parent, and being raised in a somewhat disastrous setting, and being determined to learn how to be kind to oneself and grow and heal and then turn around, and be an aware, loving, in the present parent and partner and friend and coworker and self....or whatever the scenario is of your own time here in your life, is

that we watch what happens when we just sit and listen to someone.

Oh, we have that terrible, terrible itch that almost drives us NUTS to relieve our own selves by ....shutting them UP and telling them what to do. Yeah. We suffer under the illusion that if our kid or neighbor or beloved or cousin would just finish and get done with whatever it is they are going ON about, we can then get to talk and talk and tell them just what to go and do right now to FIX it.

But when we really love someone. Or someone has really  loved us, with awareness, what we learn is that what we and everyone actually needs, is to be listened to. 

Without an itch. Without someone waiting their turn to jump in and tell their own story and tell advice and stop them from suffering or at least talking about it.

Ever watch people with crying babies and kids? Pat pat pat hush hush hush be quiet stop making this awful sad noise you are upsetting me I am beginning to feel all the times I felt this way too and people went hush hush or shut up or that's enough or now now its ok now. Stop. Be Quiet. Hold it in.

It's the most amazing thing to be young and have a baby and comfort them but not try to get them to shut up. Stop crying. And instead hold them and reassure them and rock them and say "I know. I know." And try to imagine what they might be feeling and then say small things that might be on the mark. And then when they are done being so very brilliant with all that crying and sobbing and sometimes yelling and being angry and saying all kinds of things that they are actually saying to express emotions, versus really meaning all the words, it is really the hardest thing to just be there and listen and try to imagine how they are feeling, and empathize and say things that ask questions or express what you are thinking they might be feeling right now.

"You are so, so angry at that kid who hit you."
"You were so embarrassed you feel like you never want to go back."
"You feel like you will never have a best friend again?"

When my kids were little and they would fight, the three of them, I would be aghast at what one or another would DO to each other. I mean, really!  I would feel so ANGRY. My own feelings would get ignited. Then I would think "What the heck is going on with me here???" I would get angry at the kid who bit the other, the one who made fun of the other. And then finally, one day, BAM, it hit me. Empathize. Yeah, set limits, yeah, sometimes consequences. But listen. Break it up. Empathize. So I tried it.

Kid A would bonk Kid B. I would pull them apart, comfort Kid B, help their bonk. Then go and sit with Kid A. And empathize. Try to imagine what they were feeling. They would talk about it. I would listen. And listen. And that funny thing happened. If I didn't steal from them their own  impetus to feel regret, and to feel sad for the bonked crying one with the bruise, eventually off they would go...over to sidle up to their sibling, brush pebbles around aimlessly with their sneaker, while Kid B looked up into the sky, apparently enthralled. And then Kid A would apologize.

Pretty soon they all figured it out better and better. Smash, grab, steal, make fun of. Empathize, empathize. And off they would go, as I peered through the window, to apologize or somehow make amends.

Of course it didn't work perfectly. But I was so surprised.

When a four footed family member would die. When they didn't get onto a team. When they got a low mark in school. When some kid ridiculed them. When they felt scared of some teacher. It worked like magic. Notice. Sit. Empathize. And off they would go, with their own realizations and our support and their own solutions.

Eventually on the kitchen wall I just put a note to myself that said "Empathize". Eventually some of them took me up on my offer to sit and shut up and just listen when they asked me to. I would say "Let me know if you want me to shut up and just listen to you, ok?". I would sit there, zipped lips, struggling to not blab on about what they should do. I mostly did ok. Well, sometimes. Granted, sometimes they would be sitting there, sobbing or enraged and saying terrible hateful things about someone or another, and how miserable and hopeless and full of misery their horrible lives were, and I just had to pinch myself and remind myself that they were....expressing their emotions. To just listen. Ask questions that had no agenda, if I could pull that off. Otherwise, hang on for dear life, and listen. 

The point is, when I did do well listening versus getting off on pretending I could solve something for them, rescue them, be the ONE who KNEW, then they went off figuring things out, and then knew they were the ones who...figured things out.

I began to realize that jumping in and pretending to solve other's problems is a funny , secret way of filling one's  own needs.....versus somehow living in a way that we take care of ourselves well enough that we are well cared for by ourselves and can manage to offer the thing someone else actually can benefit from.

Course, it took me about 1,000 years to mature enough to do that with my beloved. 35 years. I think our anniversary is tomorrow, which is great, because I would have forgotten otherwise. Still, they would be expressing their feelings, right? Their sadness or regret or dissapointment, and I would essentially either try to leap in, shove them aside, and see if I could FIX it, god dammit, or kind of infer that they should buck up and go about their life. Wow. I did. For a long long time.

Til a therapist we saw who was maybe the 1,000th one, thus our longevity, thank you very much, who was kind of a weird one, did provide one great tool The 5 Minutes Thing.

See, with the 5 Minutes Thing,  you ask them if you can both 'do' 5 minutes. Like, tonight, after dinner. That's giving  a heads up. Helpful in the beginning. 

Then one of you gets to talk for 5 minutes. About anything, right? Well, not the kid disapline thing you both fervently disagree on. Or the car fender. Or anything that is kind of red hot. But YOUR stuff..yeah, your stuff, you get to talk about. 

So lots of times one person likes to start and the other endures like a 'good partner', and it's really important not to go over. And then the other person gets to 'go'. And if they don't do a whole 5 minutes, that's fine. Oh, and never EVER EVER talk about what they brought up , after. Nope. Sorry. That 's the magic here , too. The person LOOKS at you while you talk, you are careful not to talk about stuff that would be hard for them or rile them up, and afterwards, mums the word. No "Oh, you know during 5 Minutes when you talked about what a jerk my Aunt Sally is?". First of all , no saying in 5 minutes that their Aunt Sally is a jerk. You get to say YOUR Aunt Sally is a jerk. And btw, its confidential too. So no telling your best friend or coworkers what your partner said during 5 Minutes. That way, it will work.

You both get to go on for a little bit, about how pissed you are at the town dump or your stupid boss or how worried you are or how anxious you have been but you just don't know why, or how much pain you are in and how impossible it is to go one day after another talking with others when noone has any idea what it's like...to be you. You listen equally to your friend or partner or neighbor. And then, it's done. Goes off in it's own little confidential container. Not your business, what they said. Not your job to fix anything. It's really quite cool.

Empathy gets a short shift. Here we are in a world where the media provides us such a volume of information. Which, by the way, is delivered but not shoved down our throats. Which, please try to remember, we can read or listen to or watch online....or NOT. 

But the mere concept of empathy is a phenomena that has such power to change. It is age old. It has this powerful capacity. To soothe. To facilitate closeness. To be the antithesis of antipathy,  of isolation and loneliness  Is so easily forgotten in this flash flood of shiny life stuff. Machines and things and place to go and stuff to want and yearn for and buy and somehow to live distracted , so much so, that we can actually manage to avoid actually experiencing so many emotions we actually need to feel...in order to....live and breathe and be healthy and happy and survive. 




I

3.21.14 And the light of the heavens shone down upon them

Right down the road, a planned development that staggered and fell. 

So there is this intriguingly empty straight paved road, 

and always, at the end of it, are the skies of Hadley,

 up in the high fields.

And the light of the heavens shone down upon them .

 And filled them with Grace.

Just blows me away to see these moments. 

All day every day. 

One of the gifts of getting to have a body and a life.

Grace. Just waiting to fill you. Ready set go.

3.21.14 The Eyes Have It

3.22.14 One Last Tick-less Romp On the Field

      Out we went, bouncing one year old Shepherd Danto Fanto and I, 

late this afternoon, to run about on the conservation field and toss balls

 for a little big-muscle boy workout. 

      Looking up, a small group of vivid pink clouds passed quickly by....

Gone before you could blink.

     Playing, running, leaping, the 280• view so lovely, and soon to be gone, as trees burst into buds and small blossoms and seed let's and then those fragile tender new leaves.
As the snow shrinks, all the mouse tunnels are revealed, winding their way across the land.
Same powder puff low lying clouds hid the Peace Pagoda... the sun blazes its way into evening,
and a whole new crop of avian arrivals hunker down for a deeply restorative night's sleep.
Happy Spring, everyone!

But at the same time they were rushing past, a flock of Wild Geese flew by,

 and then turned about-maybe catching sight of the Connecticut River's  outwaters 

as a safe and belly filling rest stop for the night. 

The grasses are beginning to show through the snow with these 50• sunny 

snow-melting days, and beneath the snow in any grass that 

is not short cut lawn around here lives very Sick Ticks. 

And Invisible Nymphs. So don't pretend you can wear white 

and do a tick check and find. 'Em and pick'em off. 

Because you really can't see them. They live in the grasses and

the woodlands that are soggy. Take Care. 

Playing, running, leaping, the 280• view so lovely, and soon to be gone, 

as trees burst into buds and small blossoms and seedlets 

and then those fragile tender new leaves. 
As the snow shrinks, all the mouse tunnels are revealed, 

winding their way across the land. 

Same powder puff low lying clouds hid the Peace Pagoda... 

the sun blazes its way into evening, 
and a whole new crop of avian arrivals hunker down

 for a deeply restorative night's sleep. 

Happy Spring, everyone!

For more Sick-ly Tick-ly information:

ttps://www.facebook.com/pages/Essential-Words-and-Pictures/200095350027257?hc_location=timeline

3.23.14 Learning New Health Information: When It Seems Complex, Overwhelming, or Contradictory

       Often we come upon information regarding Holistic health that is complex, overwhelming, or seems contradictory.
       When it seems too complex, but may have a grain of something within it for us, try placing the information by your sofa....or your bed....or best of all, for many, your toilet. Or stick it in a folder in your bag to stick in your car, so when you are waiting, you can check it out.
       When you check it out, don't approach it as if you need to learn it all right now, and implement it a minute ago. NO.
       Check it out the way you would an interesting person or view. Relax. Peruse. Don't evaluate or plan or feel pressured. Just hang with it a bit and say hi, and then put it down.
       Take a small taste. The first paragraph. Open the middle of it and check a small bit out. It will matter, if it's something that fits for you.
       Give yourself a reality check. Are you in dire straights? Even if you are, rushing and pressure will make evaluating the merit of the information and ideas less possible. So back off and hang with it.
If it seems to have merit, take little notes. On your phone with SIRI. Or on paper stuck in with the materials. Or if you own it, underline or highlight or make stars. Then later, go back and review the stars, again without our culturally imagined necessity to 'accomplish' or 'master' or DO something 100%.
       Many of the best ideas are one sentence in a book, or one concept or tip that really made sense to us. At 61, I know now that if I integrate one tiny bit into my lifestyle, that whole book or deal or theory or practice was worth investigating.
       Lastly, I describe all day long WHY and HOW different approaches to diet, to healing, to meditating, to exercise, to anything at all...can be valid in the context of itself. Each approach is like a small universe, or an equation. In one equation, a food or habit or approach to fixing your car or running may recommend one thing and flat out tell you the other is terrible. Thing is, within the context of "The Ultrasimple DIet", bananas are great and soy is ok. In the context of "Eat Right For Your Blood Type", nope- no bananas and very specific other considerations. For blown out adrenal glands, a banana will blow your energy away for days. There are so many aspects like this that vary.
     So approach things with ease and patience and wisdom. Tiny bits. Tiny tastes. Accumulate a sense of a concept. Give yourself time to consider. 

     No building Rome in a day, right? 

     Really no use, any of these things, if we can't get to know them the way we do a neighbor or a love of walking or a new way of being. 

     Slow and steady and kindly with common sense.