1.25.18 Q & A's

Q: So, when this all went down, did you tell those others?
A: Well, yeah. I had to. I mean, what if someone came forward? All of them were so involved and helpful and did such remarkable work. They are so wonderful and sincere. What an unfair nightmare to do to a good institution. What if they got sued? No, I had to.

Q: Were all of you  here on board about this?
A: God no. I mean, I tried that at first. But really its too hard. It's crazy difficult.
I wasn't real fond of how I was treated at times, but I certainly understood how horrible it was for them.
So I eventually went off and quietly did what I needed to do. I'm still the only one who knows the whole deal.

And depending on where you are standing in relation to some crap like this, it cranks you and it twists your inner archetypes and all you held dear and true that you based your life on.

No, not everyone can hold tight and manage and remain aware of others.
Sometimes you need to wake up and separate out from the others, after the initial crap comes slithering out, have the heart rending conversations together, and then you must off on your own and go do what must be done.
Especially if your'e the principal of the deal. It's your job and your call.

Q: How did it go?
A: Well, I kept finding  my way, slowly discovering who was reliable and who wasn't.
I just needed enough transparency to live the truth of what went down.
So I did what I needed to do to accomplish that, and had some remarkable supports along the way. And the others? Well, if you want to know who someone truly is, hand them a shit sandwich and watch how much integrity they actually have. (laughing)

Q: So there were going to be accolades and celebration and a big deal fancy gathering you were designing ,and you realized it was all based on make believe and had to shut it down.
A: Yeah. the whole deal sucks. But I did. It was a tragic abortion of an event.
It wasn't true and I wouldn't have been able to make believe. To fake anything.
I'd be patently unwilling.

I'm not into deception and would never sleep at night if I fibbed even a little.
I can't tolerate anyone who deceives.

One hysterical note is that if you tell those you are closest to that its fine whatever they decide,
to just let you know and you'll take off and no problem,
then when they don't have much integrity, they hide and pretend.
When all along you would've been happy to just drop them off and go on your way.
How perverted.

The funny thing is, there are more, excuse me, sickos in our lives than we realize.
Some of us tend to be little Pollyannas, who are well intentioned and Devoted
and give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

But then you get crapped on and hit hard, and you wake up.

It's how you wake up.
You wake up and you sit up and you say "Oh my fuck what the hell was I thinking?"

You get your self together and learn that ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS
and then you never ever go back. to listening to the words instead of the actions.

In fact, you wish you could write some flabby thank you note because you're so glad the truth outs.
I mean, it's never too soon to dump liars and creeps and machinations.

Q: Right. That just makes sense. And so often we really really want to believe what others say, even if their actions contradict what they insist. When we're young, we think we are supposed to Trust and Believe and that if we don't , there is something wrong with us. Its quite the conspiracy, actually.
A: Yeah, it is. All wrapped up with a Disney bow. But if we stay awake and aware and even if we get crapped on while we are all out devoted and doing our best, still at the end of the day, you know what? You still have the person you have grown yourself to be. You always have that. Which is really the best thing.

Q: You're right. And why not get the heads up, learn how the great big weirdo world functions, having a learning curve for your self, and then go live you own life.
A: Exactly my sentiment.

Ollie ollie in free

1.25.18 Almost Done

I did stop by Kestrel Lane yesterday, all seeming changed, and nothing feeling the same. 

Yet, the corridor of trees and the tracks of wildlife, the trickling stream and the vast blue skies,

 they all whispered ‘Ah, no, small temporal being. 
Yours are just small moments within the endlessness. 
That is all.’ 

Somehow, the land and sky and hues of speckled ground lent me courage and comfort, 
and the earth’s own love.

1.24.18 Just A Little Bit

We take our joy, and we take our sorrows.
We take the remarkable gift and beauty of the day we have been given.
We take what we hoped for, and what we found.
And we weave them together,
with grace, and love, faith bound.

1.23.18 Darkness Finally Falls

The wind buffets the limbs of the forest full of trees. 

As the morning rain pours down upon us all. 

The dark road shines with its beauty revealed just like this, on a warm January day. 

As we all, all of us - 

small mammals beneath the fallen leaves in the forest, 

and worms living quietly out the winter, 

and sleeping bears with babies quietly growing in their bellies, 

and humans with not enough brain to live within instinctual wisdom, 

and yet too much prefrontal cortex to behave reasonably... 

here we all are, 

being whatever we can manage. 

As the earth slowly turns , 

and the darkness finally falls.

1.22.18 Stretch, Breathe

Today, life took a breather. And so I took a break, with grateful relief. And watched the fog wind blow and twist across the fields.
As some lucky cows down the street, lucky enough to live at the farm where they’re not in paddocks 12 months a year, ran about and stretched and breathed deep and took off down field .

1.22.18 Where The Field Mice Go

Down by the farmers fields
deserted, quiet, we walked along
the still white land by the
muddy melting road
A two inch layer of resolute ice
a laying beneath that snow
And below that? The cornfields
where the field mice go

1.22.18 How We Roll

Sometimes we manage, sometimes we flourish, and sometimes we simply endure. 

Taking the very best care we can of ourselves, of others. 

Returning ourselves incessantly to the great comfort of the simple present moment.

1.20.18 The Messy Web of Deception

Deception is such tough stuff.

 It’s tough for the deceiver, and it’s tough for those they know. 

Deception delivers it’s own rewards and it’s own punishments, twisting everyone in its path. 

And like an addiction, it slowly becomes invisible to the one feeding on its benefits. 

By its very nature, if we begin deceiving, as it balloons up into our lives, like a tumor, I’m certain that soon enough we lose sight of its parameters. 

We fall under its sway.
We sublimate by creating justifications.
We turn a blind eye to all our lies.
We convince ourselves that this is what we need.
And then we subjugate those closest to us , to our rationalizations, that induce anger and blame toward them. As a defense.

I think deception grows and blooms, and takes over a person, until all the love and devotion and admiration they are receiving is going to someplace over their left shoulder. Instead of nourishing them. 

And they begin to starve. 

Because the person they are letting others believe them to be, by omission or choice, is not who they know themselves to be, far within themselves.

And even if they happen to be a Narcissist or a Psychopath, with little or no remorse, conscience, or insight, they still must feed.

Normal Neurotics begin feeling terrible about themselves. Perhaps they’ve even forgotten why. Which only induces more anger and rage and blame of others.

Narcissists and Psychopaths don't feel badly. They just become stressed. They physical health suffers. Because of the vast machinations they are involved in , the multilayered games and manipulations that must remain invisible for them to continue on.

How very sad, the ways we twist and turn.
How very sad, the ways we are unable, that result in our loss of being involved with the love and care that is right there. 

Such a mottled mess we sometimes weave.

1.19.18 Moving On After Betrayal

When we are struggling with a difficult revelation, a profound betrayal , or a necessary adaptation in our lives, it’s helpful to clear the deck of over expectation, and settle ourselves down, compassionately and patiently. 

It’s helpful to generously give ourselves the time to fully digest the myriad of shocks and deception and inadequacy that were going on, while we were living our days in trust and generosity and love.

Some of us, sadly, are unable to live honestly, and instead thrive on duplicity, triangulation, and self deception.

If we are despicable in this manner, and profoundly disturbed, well then, our true self will be undetected by anyone in our life. Anyone. No-one will know who we truly are until they evaluate our cache of secrets. And then? Well, the big dirty gig is up.

Whereas if we are just little tiny Small Potatoes deceptive, we will mess up. We will even get stressed and do it on purpose. We will blame others. We will find others to play these games. And when we get caught out, we will play more games, to deflect, to acquire sympathy, to play and play some more.

Of course, if we have kicked off, and then our games are discovered, well then they are laid clear for all to see. The big huge picture of what we were doing and who we truly were. 

The funny thing is, if we are deceptive and we hang out with others who are deceptive, human nature insists that the others never think for a second they also are being played. Used. Deceived. Lied to. About Everything. No, somehow the Little Potato players think they are the exception. So they believe what they're told. Ohhh they are so special. While the game continues, the compulsive malevolence marches on. Silly humans.

If we are in proximity to one who makes these choices, all we can do is continue on with our own honesty, our own no-secrets ways, and remain present.

While digesting disappointment and deception, we remain in this present moment , supported by our own integrity. Our own honest ways. And those around us who actually know who we are, and what we are grappling with. Talk about 180.

Digesting, and then letting go realizations and the loss of what others asserted they gave, while never managing to be that person or truly give that love at all.

Living solidly and healthily and happily requires the maturity to fully engage with the complex addled thing that real life is .

When we are not developed enough or strong enough or true enough or honest enough, 

we seek out other simpler more superficial avenues and involvements, not to live a full honest life, but to simply get our needs met.

If we are disturbed enough, we also are quietly harboring an out of control compulsive need to secretly harm as many as we can, for this is how we feed. So many Bellas, so little time, each little decrepitude thinking they were the one.

In the big reality of life, secrets tangle us underfoot. And sooner or later we fall.

In the big reality of life, deception is always revealed, trampling what we pretended to others, leaving us less a person. 

Taking the memories others would have of us, family and friends and children, and crushing them with despicable truth. How very sad, when out out comes the whole dirty truth, and your progeny pores over your soiled laundry.

And yet, the others who are strong enough and true enough, with honesty and integrity, live true and love true and are remembered true and die true.

Why not die true? What a nightmare, to live and then die a lie.

Those with honesty and integrity are solid as an oak , solid as true honest mature love. 

And who they are known as remains solid, instead of dilapidated and disappointed , long after they are gone.

1.13.18 Ocean

That soothes

and calms

and heals all things

1.12.18 The Calm Before That Storm

1.11.18 Not Yet

1.12.17

1.7.18 Who Knew

There is so much in life we may prepare for
but cannot emotionally or cognitively plan for.

 So much that, having set things up with as much stability and balance as possible, 
we simply will live into. 

Being our own true and honest selves
No matter the capacity for vast and malevolence in others

Time heals all wounds 

and it 

Wounds all heels

So that what benefits us most,  no matter the external machinations,
is to remain right here, right now, residing in this present moment.

Grateful each day we awaken
and each night we fall asleep
that we have the honorable true self we have grown.

1.7.18 Almost, But Not Quite

1.6.18 Perhaps Like Your Home

Around here, perhaps like your home
the cold wind blows
the huge moon shines in upon us in sleep 
and some small bit of eternity lingers in the stars

1.3.18 As The Boyo Raced About

Down by the farmers fields, the dawn streaked the sky 
As we crunched and squeaked along
 in the fresh compacted snow
Dante racing about, sniffing tracks
as an eagle passed slowly by overhead

1.3.18 I Was SImply

Speechless

1.3.18 The Loveliness of Morning Light

1.3.18 Out Under The Winter Sky

1.3.18 The Day Before

All the components of a sunrise exist before we see the bright colors and light, and after they are gone. Only the conditions change, that enable us to see the glory of that sight.
The same is true of life. 

Thich Nhat Hanh says we are somewhere the day before we are conceived, and we are somewhere the day after we die. 

He reminds us that when the conditions are right, then mycelium or Alpine flowers or human beings come alive . 

The person comes into the world, living and breathing. 

And when the conditions are no longer right, they leave the realm of living and breathing. 

But ,much like the sky, it seems perhaps we are always here. 

Merely changing form, from cosmos, to living breathing being, to cosmos once again.

1.3.18 The Sun Also Rises

1.3.18 Grace

Grace comes upon us and
Grace enters us ; Grace
Breathes life into us -
Grace befalls us .
Grace fills each one of us. Grace

Marches up the creaky porch
strides into the kitchen
leaving that
screen door slamming - the
old latch snapping ; Grace will

Slump into our rocker and
peer into our heart and
not miss a trick ; for,
Grace simply knows us. Grace will

Stay by our side and
walk along our path and
scramble up the ravines then
struggle cross those lost lands Grace will

Breathe each breath with us
and live hand in ours;
Grace warps and weaves
that which was torn; Grace

gathers up our soul
in a swoon of redemption
Grace

Insists upon the sanctity of
equity and justice ; Grace has
no time or patience for
that which is cruel. Grace is

Eyeing us from the doorway Grace has
blessed our every day and dream Grace
sees into our true self Grace Is conscious awareness Grace

Sings our song of redemption
murmurs lines of realization Grace will
be right there with us til our
journeying is over Grace will

Gather us up and Grace shall quench our thirst ; Grace hears the
bleating of our fears and the stolid call of our soul Grace knows

All our known ones as we
bid them goodbye, our
lives and children; or our
Sweetest four footeds or the

field's first light or
all the land's creatures or
vast stands of trees and underground mycelium Grace

comes up upon us
and Grace enters us Grace
breathes life into us -
Grace befalls us . Grace
fills every one of us. Grace

marches up the creaky porch
Slumps into that rocker and
Stays by our side and
Breathes each breath with us

and weaves what was torn; and swoons with redemption
Insists upon sanctity Grace is

Eyeing you from the doorway Grace Is conscious awareness Grace

Sings your song Grace will
be right with you Grace will

Gather you up Grace shall
bleat your fears Grace knows

All your true life as you
love your children; your
friends and loved ones, the

Four footed creatures the
animals of the land and the
rebel of the river and the
light upon the fields and Grace

holds us in our ending
Grace breathes
faith into our bereft ones Grace

Sings the holy song of
endless immortality that is
only known round here by its ancient name - which would be
Simply and only
The divine's most devout
Love.

2.2.14

1.2.18 Common As Mud

 "The work of the world is common as mud.
Botched, it smears the hands, crumbles to dust.
But the thing worth doing well done
has a shape that satisfies, clean and evident."
                                Marge Piercy

1.1.18 And By Love

When things recently get tougher,  and the help descends,  and envelops love and care and help and company and tenderness, we sit amazed at how comforted we are.
How ok we feel.
How we know we can do this.
How strengthened . By presence. By thoughtfulness. And by love.
So, please remember.
When you listen compassionately.
When you sit by someone in difficulty .
They will find strength to do what they must.
From your care and your strength and your presence.

And your love.

12.20.17 Sometimes The Plot Thickens

Sometimes, the circumstances in our lives become more complex. 

Sometimes the plot thickens.
Sometimes, in order to really show up for someone , we begin doing things.
Eating as well as we can. Perhaps going out and taking a walk or exercising.
To ensure we can still sleep as well as possible. To ensure that we are healthy and calm and well as much as possible. 
Perhaps meditating little bit, to protect our sleep, to protect our peace of mind during the days.

We seek these measures out just for sanity, learning to be present, integrating mindfulness, just to get through this moment, and the next. 

Because no matter what is coming, we can manage the present moment. 

And with the exception of mindfully processing the past or future, 

with the exception of pragmatically planning the future, 

really what keeps us from suffering, 

even in the sweet toughest circumstance,

 is remaining only right here, right now. 

Until all of these measures we are taking, to manage the best we can,  all these measures are holding us. Stabilizing us. Enabling us to do that which we most want to do. Be present.

And sometimes, in  tough times, we begin to notice those around us.
And those who don’t seem to be able to be present. With us. 

They have convictions or assumptions, or fears. When we are in proximity, they push us and pull us and pile their fears and convictions upon us, not seeing how they are burdening our tough road, our tough efforts. 

With difficult times, we fine-tune our ability to be present ,we fine-tune obstructions. 

Reinforcing supports. Moving away from those who don’t.

And in this fine-tuning of who we are in proximity to, it is no fault.
There is no good and bad. There is simply acknowledging what fits best for us, right now. And then making our choices, taking our responsibility, as we get down to what matters most.

Others in our lives we can care about. We can want the best for them.
But when things get this kind of difficult, we rearrange. Who is closest to us, who impacts us, who impairs our path, and who supports it.

Like a winter storm, tough circumstances clear away the habits, the proximity to people, all the other things that are not strong enough. That actually don’t fit well . And we slowly, in the storm, break free. Break clean.

We can care about those who we choose not to have in closer proximity, when their attitudes or their fears trundle our own economized struggling best efforts. 

And they can go on in their own lives, being responsible for their own choices. 

And their own consequences.

The meantime, we are a fine tuning organism. 

Our intent is to be clear, clean, well nourished, stable and strong.

As we turn toward that in our life which we are supporting. 

Those in our life who need us most. 

As we hunker down, providing our attentiveness, our care, simply being fully present.

12.29.17 What Keeps Us From Suffering

With the exception of mindfully processing the past or future, 

with the exception of pragmatically planning the future, really 

what keeps us from suffering, even in the sweet toughest

 circumstance, is remaining only right here, right now.