Here in this particular culture, some subjects of conversation tend to
be acceptable, while some are not . Here, in this Enquirer-fast-forward pretend
'Reality' tv shows realm, more and more is deemed excellent for social
rubbernecking and profit making, thus understandably more accepted.
But in general, open discussion of our own finances, a death, or our health challenges, particularly if function is involved, tends to be seen as messy unseemly topics of conversing .
Which makes it tough if we find ourselves impaired or impaired-er, as we try to maintain some sort of acceptance of our own more limited capacities, and thus circumstance.
Trying to avoid becoming more overwhelmed or gutted with a pervasive sense of shame, when friends want to visit or help or come by and say hello.
Lately I've found myself inadvertently swimming in and out of confusion and guilt, when faced with the conundrum of providing an update of what sorts of interactions I can and can't manage, without my health worsening.
See, most people who slowly become not well vascillate between.better and worse, not understanding, nor wanting to understand, that they very well may be on the way to a more permanent not-well-ness.
Where the capacity to have conversations on the phone or in person , or sit with someone or do activities or go somewhere or go do things often changes, by the day or month. It's as confounding and unpredictable to us as it is to others.
Normally in life , you get the message , if someone keeps cheerily making dates with you, only to keep cancelling. It means they don't actually want to hang out. Whereas with us, it's simply part of the reality of day-to-day life , where predictability is often shot all to shit, and all around, the disappointment sucks.
It's a fine and hard to discern line between providing friends with a simple functional update of our current operating capacity , with enough info for them to be able to navigate seeing and knowing us, versus burdening them with confused reams of tmi , risking them collapsing under the weight of our complex circumstance, so unwieldy and seemingly unseemly.
What many of us in this boat come to realize is
1. It helps if we each use our favorite tools well to settle ourselves. To have a moment of uncensored feeling of emotions and re e t situations that have been difficult.
We all find different ways that fit us well. Mine are EFT, immersion in nature, drawing and photographing, taking turns listing to each other while timing it with friends, practicing mindfulness, etc.)
We need to digest down the accumulation of frustrating , dissatisfying experiences ,so we can really be free and focused and present , when interacting with a friend. So the majority of interacting is NOT about the limitations we are experiencing , but rather the bigger mutuality of sharing between friends . This seems key to somehow maintaining a mutually satisfying relationship that acknowledges real difficulty and problems, but more so hangs out with nice stuff.
2. We can practice and even write down an update of our function, as it pertains to what is helpful for another to know. And then edit it down as concisely as possible , so it is a small functional heads-up within the context of a bigger relationship. Done simply and without apology or shame.
It's important to take time to rehearse what we will say and how we will say it, both to reassert feeling ok and not badly about the complexity of our circumstance, and make clear the intermittent changes in our functioning, which Impact our interactions, a simple piece of the relationship.
Creating a 'heads-up' text is helpful, as we certainly don't expect others to memorize our shifting capacities. But for convenience, they can easily check their phone texts to see that we no longer need a warning text before they drop by, or, until sleep has caught up , visiting will have to be consigned to our home or bedroom.
A quick "Hey, FYI , these days I can go for a short walk, or hang out and have fun seeing you for about an hour at a time, not later than 3 pm. See you later!"
3. The key to normalizing friendships, while our capacity to work or do errands or go places vacillates , is to come to an open agreement that both parties have the great and the difficult, can share these things some, and enjoy or empathize with what they have in common.
4. The visiting of the topic of mutual health can take place now and then, but will skewer the relationship, no matter good and honorable intentions, if it becomes a central topic, no matter how much things might royally suck.
5. Every once in awhile, our friends have it bad, and it's a great time to focus just on them.
But in general, open discussion of our own finances, a death, or our health challenges, particularly if function is involved, tends to be seen as messy unseemly topics of conversing .
Which makes it tough if we find ourselves impaired or impaired-er, as we try to maintain some sort of acceptance of our own more limited capacities, and thus circumstance.
Trying to avoid becoming more overwhelmed or gutted with a pervasive sense of shame, when friends want to visit or help or come by and say hello.
Lately I've found myself inadvertently swimming in and out of confusion and guilt, when faced with the conundrum of providing an update of what sorts of interactions I can and can't manage, without my health worsening.
See, most people who slowly become not well vascillate between.better and worse, not understanding, nor wanting to understand, that they very well may be on the way to a more permanent not-well-ness.
Where the capacity to have conversations on the phone or in person , or sit with someone or do activities or go somewhere or go do things often changes, by the day or month. It's as confounding and unpredictable to us as it is to others.
Normally in life , you get the message , if someone keeps cheerily making dates with you, only to keep cancelling. It means they don't actually want to hang out. Whereas with us, it's simply part of the reality of day-to-day life , where predictability is often shot all to shit, and all around, the disappointment sucks.
It's a fine and hard to discern line between providing friends with a simple functional update of our current operating capacity , with enough info for them to be able to navigate seeing and knowing us, versus burdening them with confused reams of tmi , risking them collapsing under the weight of our complex circumstance, so unwieldy and seemingly unseemly.
What many of us in this boat come to realize is
1. It helps if we each use our favorite tools well to settle ourselves. To have a moment of uncensored feeling of emotions and re e t situations that have been difficult.
We all find different ways that fit us well. Mine are EFT, immersion in nature, drawing and photographing, taking turns listing to each other while timing it with friends, practicing mindfulness, etc.)
We need to digest down the accumulation of frustrating , dissatisfying experiences ,so we can really be free and focused and present , when interacting with a friend. So the majority of interacting is NOT about the limitations we are experiencing , but rather the bigger mutuality of sharing between friends . This seems key to somehow maintaining a mutually satisfying relationship that acknowledges real difficulty and problems, but more so hangs out with nice stuff.
2. We can practice and even write down an update of our function, as it pertains to what is helpful for another to know. And then edit it down as concisely as possible , so it is a small functional heads-up within the context of a bigger relationship. Done simply and without apology or shame.
It's important to take time to rehearse what we will say and how we will say it, both to reassert feeling ok and not badly about the complexity of our circumstance, and make clear the intermittent changes in our functioning, which Impact our interactions, a simple piece of the relationship.
Creating a 'heads-up' text is helpful, as we certainly don't expect others to memorize our shifting capacities. But for convenience, they can easily check their phone texts to see that we no longer need a warning text before they drop by, or, until sleep has caught up , visiting will have to be consigned to our home or bedroom.
A quick "Hey, FYI , these days I can go for a short walk, or hang out and have fun seeing you for about an hour at a time, not later than 3 pm. See you later!"
3. The key to normalizing friendships, while our capacity to work or do errands or go places vacillates , is to come to an open agreement that both parties have the great and the difficult, can share these things some, and enjoy or empathize with what they have in common.
4. The visiting of the topic of mutual health can take place now and then, but will skewer the relationship, no matter good and honorable intentions, if it becomes a central topic, no matter how much things might royally suck.
5. Every once in awhile, our friends have it bad, and it's a great time to focus just on them.
Asking questions and
empathizing. Because sometimes the dramatic difficulty of the life of someone
with chronic illness can mean that others don't feel comfortable sharing their
own less dramatic fleeing challenges . But it's necessary in order for the
relationship to be vibrant and rewarding.
Relationships can be honest, intermittently candid, but somehow, even against all imaginable odds, even if one party is being visited and given to and helped, the luscious longevity of the friendship seems to lie in nourishing the fun and interests and reciprocity that both parties find of meaning .
Relationships can be honest, intermittently candid, but somehow, even against all imaginable odds, even if one party is being visited and given to and helped, the luscious longevity of the friendship seems to lie in nourishing the fun and interests and reciprocity that both parties find of meaning .
