Our Goal - Of Nourishing Within Ourselves That Which We've Been Yearning For Elsewhere
Often it's so hard, in life, not to find ourselves looking elsewhere for what we feel we are lacking. Love, appreciation, intimacy, comfort, being really known.
And there is the common sense of creating a life, where we are regularly in contact with others who fit us as well as possible, who care about us as we do them, and can exchange that love and caring and laughing and knowing. So we have, for us as individuals, the right fit of connecting with others, vs isolation.
But sometimes we become so caught up in yearning for some ONE or some THING that can complete us. That can fix things.
And our culture doesn't help. I mean, how many times do we want want want something, oh, really so much! And then get it, and ...wait for it....right? The next day ? Or a few days later? Whoa. That wicked cool thing or experience simply does nothing for us. How confusing. Which sometimes we begin to realize means that the whole yearning and getting and then being surprised at the outcome...reveals what is really happening inside of us. That it's all a decoy for ways we are not feeling connected or enough or well fertilized or enough a part of others lives or have not been taking good care of nourishing our own selves.
So looking for SOMEONE to care for us. Or take care of us. Or love us, comfort us, understand us, know us. Can be so similar. And confusing. And obsessing.
We humans do that not true stuff. "Oh, Oh, If I ____ fill in the blank, everything would be great. " Had a partner. Lost weight. Had a better job. My kid wasn't such a pain. Had a really cool car. Had better hair. OH!!!
Our culture is possibly a bit better than 100 years ago on the castigating individuals who are not partnered score, but think about this: Individual people are thought of as (secretly) pathetic if they are alone at home. Whereas, if you have a partner, hanging out at home with nothing doing is fine. Respectable. Worthwhile. If you don't have a partner, everyone assumes they can ask you to do whatever, just simply because...you don't have a partner.So strange and odd.
And then there are other kinds of 'yearning' for a piece of someone else, of contact with them to 'get' something. Of pretending they are some idea that gets you through your day, that is actually not true. AS IF WHAT WE NEED IS OUTSIDE OF OURSELF. Projecting upon others our perceived needs, so we can avoid settling down and learning to BE with that deep sense of hopelessness and helplessness, and let it get digested, so we can become clear, and luminous , and rise up all full and remarkable.
The other day, I was having a conversation with a very gifted friend - concerning a recent taping she'd done describing her work, and the flood and range of inundators contacting/ yearning for access to her , and her work.
I described to her how Bonnie Bainbridge Cohen used to portray to me the experience of being projected upon. Her perceptions of being the project-ee, and what is necessary to learn, so that this does not adversely impact oneself.
Which helped me develop some depth into my own understanding of how, without awareness, we can do this to others-make believe they are an 'answer' or solution, or a greatness we want access to ; a perceived scarcity that drives the whole deal, as a dog pack after a bone.
All that pretending and yearning and hoisting up of another so we can get distracted from what is more true- that greatness and solutions and a divine path are ours, always, when we quiet yearning outside of ourselves,
and, as Voltaire wrote, settle down and cultivate our very own garden.
Which is why Kristen Kirk's BE THE BELOVED is so brilliant. Because instead of pretending we 'need' someone to fill our needs, to 'complete us', and then go around looking needy, like we are searching for someone to make things okay, we begin to discover and grow the awareness...that we are...what we have been yearning for.
But if its going to feel all good and full and lovely, we need to settle down with it and nourish it and let it grow from a little dried up garden we stomped past on our way to a great sale or trussed up at a party, hoping to meet someone....to a rich, well cared for garden.
When I was younger, I was single. I'd been with partners since I was 15, and it was a big shock. I felt so alone, and lonely. I began to question my self worth. I wondered if I smelled badly. Or something.
Then, for some strange reason, I realized I needed to find a deep satisfaction in my own day to day life. So I studied this. I went about exchanging connection with the crabby postmaster next door; with the family that ran the grocery, with my roomates, with the dawn, with falling asleep between my two black cats.
And over months, I began to forget to want. To yearn. To hope. To search crowds just just just in case.
I began to feel strong. Just fine. More powerful. Confident. And what I didn't understand was that I was beginning to walk about the world like an Alpha. Gaze forward, take it or leave it, not needing, satisfied.
And then, that strange thing that sometimes happens (moreso if you are culturally 'acceptable', granted) happened. To my surprise, people began to ask me out. Wanted to do stuff. And when I didn't act as if this might be the start of something big, but rather was sooo laissez faire, understanding human dynamics more now, even more people wanted to connect more. Whatta shock.
I listen to so many clients really wanting wanting 'to be with someone'. Well yeah, what a nice thing to experience. Only, it's really also very messy and difficult and at times, downright lousy. The number of friends who've considered dumping a new partner for things that happen in long term relationships every day...makes me laugh.
Often it's so hard, in life, not to find ourselves looking elsewhere for what we feel we are lacking. Love, appreciation, intimacy, comfort, being really known.
And there is the common sense of creating a life, where we are regularly in contact with others who fit us as well as possible, who care about us as we do them, and can exchange that love and caring and laughing and knowing. So we have, for us as individuals, the right fit of connecting with others, vs isolation.
But sometimes we become so caught up in yearning for some ONE or some THING that can complete us. That can fix things.
And our culture doesn't help. I mean, how many times do we want want want something, oh, really so much! And then get it, and ...wait for it....right? The next day ? Or a few days later? Whoa. That wicked cool thing or experience simply does nothing for us. How confusing. Which sometimes we begin to realize means that the whole yearning and getting and then being surprised at the outcome...reveals what is really happening inside of us. That it's all a decoy for ways we are not feeling connected or enough or well fertilized or enough a part of others lives or have not been taking good care of nourishing our own selves.
So looking for SOMEONE to care for us. Or take care of us. Or love us, comfort us, understand us, know us. Can be so similar. And confusing. And obsessing.
We humans do that not true stuff. "Oh, Oh, If I ____ fill in the blank, everything would be great. " Had a partner. Lost weight. Had a better job. My kid wasn't such a pain. Had a really cool car. Had better hair. OH!!!
Our culture is possibly a bit better than 100 years ago on the castigating individuals who are not partnered score, but think about this: Individual people are thought of as (secretly) pathetic if they are alone at home. Whereas, if you have a partner, hanging out at home with nothing doing is fine. Respectable. Worthwhile. If you don't have a partner, everyone assumes they can ask you to do whatever, just simply because...you don't have a partner.So strange and odd.
And then there are other kinds of 'yearning' for a piece of someone else, of contact with them to 'get' something. Of pretending they are some idea that gets you through your day, that is actually not true. AS IF WHAT WE NEED IS OUTSIDE OF OURSELF. Projecting upon others our perceived needs, so we can avoid settling down and learning to BE with that deep sense of hopelessness and helplessness, and let it get digested, so we can become clear, and luminous , and rise up all full and remarkable.
The other day, I was having a conversation with a very gifted friend - concerning a recent taping she'd done describing her work, and the flood and range of inundators contacting/ yearning for access to her , and her work.
I described to her how Bonnie Bainbridge Cohen used to portray to me the experience of being projected upon. Her perceptions of being the project-ee, and what is necessary to learn, so that this does not adversely impact oneself.
Which helped me develop some depth into my own understanding of how, without awareness, we can do this to others-make believe they are an 'answer' or solution, or a greatness we want access to ; a perceived scarcity that drives the whole deal, as a dog pack after a bone.
All that pretending and yearning and hoisting up of another so we can get distracted from what is more true- that greatness and solutions and a divine path are ours, always, when we quiet yearning outside of ourselves,
and, as Voltaire wrote, settle down and cultivate our very own garden.
Which is why Kristen Kirk's BE THE BELOVED is so brilliant. Because instead of pretending we 'need' someone to fill our needs, to 'complete us', and then go around looking needy, like we are searching for someone to make things okay, we begin to discover and grow the awareness...that we are...what we have been yearning for.
But if its going to feel all good and full and lovely, we need to settle down with it and nourish it and let it grow from a little dried up garden we stomped past on our way to a great sale or trussed up at a party, hoping to meet someone....to a rich, well cared for garden.
When I was younger, I was single. I'd been with partners since I was 15, and it was a big shock. I felt so alone, and lonely. I began to question my self worth. I wondered if I smelled badly. Or something.
Then, for some strange reason, I realized I needed to find a deep satisfaction in my own day to day life. So I studied this. I went about exchanging connection with the crabby postmaster next door; with the family that ran the grocery, with my roomates, with the dawn, with falling asleep between my two black cats.
And over months, I began to forget to want. To yearn. To hope. To search crowds just just just in case.
I began to feel strong. Just fine. More powerful. Confident. And what I didn't understand was that I was beginning to walk about the world like an Alpha. Gaze forward, take it or leave it, not needing, satisfied.
And then, that strange thing that sometimes happens (moreso if you are culturally 'acceptable', granted) happened. To my surprise, people began to ask me out. Wanted to do stuff. And when I didn't act as if this might be the start of something big, but rather was sooo laissez faire, understanding human dynamics more now, even more people wanted to connect more. Whatta shock.
I listen to so many clients really wanting wanting 'to be with someone'. Well yeah, what a nice thing to experience. Only, it's really also very messy and difficult and at times, downright lousy. The number of friends who've considered dumping a new partner for things that happen in long term relationships every day...makes me laugh.
Once an old friend called me, very successful Architect, and talked about really wanting to 'find someone'. Which is great. But she told me how it was going to be. And I said, "Uh, I'm really sorry, but I truly have never met a relationship like that. Ever. Because being close to someone, even living with someone, is ridiculously complex. Easier if you don't have shared offspring. That's the frosting on the cake. But , wow. So much work. Of course, right? And complexity. Ups and downs. But then, often, if you not disappointed that they aren't into your artwork or your writing or your best friend's story or your FRIENDS but love you....then you can probably manage okay. Oh, btw, I never heard from that poor yearning friend again.
I also listen to clients who do the pretty cool speed dating stuff that is available. And we talk about how maybe, just maybe, if their goal is not to 1. Mutually lay out every horrible relationship thing they've experienced and 2. Have a goal of 'not wasting any more time,and FINDING someone right', and instead 3. Are interested in hanging out and having tea for two and tiny interactions just to just to see if this person, as you get to know them, and maybe care for them, reveals themself as someone you would really enjoy in your life. Easy peasy on the heaping expectation on the brandy new conversation with the unknown person. And, the bonus is, people happen to be really attracted to happy, satisfied, not needy, relaxed individuals.
All of which is why Kristen Kirk's BEING THE BELOVED is so true, and important.
Because what we truly need is not to go yearning and hoping and missing and yearning for someone else to complete us.
But to find the resources in our self and our own lives, and grow them. Love them. Nourish them. Get all up into it. Grow that rich gorgeous garden. Exult in the flowers and bees and hummingbirds and health and vegetables. Truly.
Not so you can 'find' someone. But so you can be complete and fulfilled and needs filled and exchanged and loved and be your beloved. Brilliant.
(Which, funny thing, often leads to bumping into very nice interesting lovely people to know and maybe get to know better).
I also listen to clients who do the pretty cool speed dating stuff that is available. And we talk about how maybe, just maybe, if their goal is not to 1. Mutually lay out every horrible relationship thing they've experienced and 2. Have a goal of 'not wasting any more time,and FINDING someone right', and instead 3. Are interested in hanging out and having tea for two and tiny interactions just to just to see if this person, as you get to know them, and maybe care for them, reveals themself as someone you would really enjoy in your life. Easy peasy on the heaping expectation on the brandy new conversation with the unknown person. And, the bonus is, people happen to be really attracted to happy, satisfied, not needy, relaxed individuals.
All of which is why Kristen Kirk's BEING THE BELOVED is so true, and important.
Because what we truly need is not to go yearning and hoping and missing and yearning for someone else to complete us.
But to find the resources in our self and our own lives, and grow them. Love them. Nourish them. Get all up into it. Grow that rich gorgeous garden. Exult in the flowers and bees and hummingbirds and health and vegetables. Truly.
Not so you can 'find' someone. But so you can be complete and fulfilled and needs filled and exchanged and loved and be your beloved. Brilliant.
(Which, funny thing, often leads to bumping into very nice interesting lovely people to know and maybe get to know better).
Lastly, here's Kristen Kirk:
"Everything we seek, whether enlightenment or love through another, we already are.
The seeking is the pointer to truth. It is the wholeness and the emptiness within that truly satisfies the longing.
Many try to fill the emptiness with love through
partnership.
Other people sustain the seeking,missing the truth that is infinitely present.
Come rest in the truth of your being and meet love
and longing in a new way."
"Everything we seek, whether enlightenment or love through another, we already are.
The seeking is the pointer to truth. It is the wholeness and the emptiness within that truly satisfies the longing.
Many try to fill the emptiness with love through
partnership.
Other people sustain the seeking,missing the truth that is infinitely present.
Come rest in the truth of your being and meet love
and longing in a new way."
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