1. If you have someone in your life helping you, there is a high probability that, eventually, they will become enmeshed in your life, and blur the boundaries between what is your business, and what is theirs.
2. If they do this often and you talk gently about changing direction in a no fault way, they will get threatened by the separating, and blame you for what you say or how you think.
3. If you begin doing things differently that do not include that degree of involvement with them or their opinions, they will blame you for being a bad friend and maybe a messed up person.
4. If you are chronically ill, more 'helpful' people will wade in to your life like that.
5. When you redefine the parameters of your boundaries with them, it threatens them as if you are changing their life. And they resent it because they were getting off on making your decisions for you, and 'helping' or 'saving' you, or having a project of making things for you the way that would gratify them.
6. No matter how tiring it may be to be chronically ill and holding boundaries steady when receiving help, do it. The predictable trajectory of boundary bending is not worth the conflict.
7. a. Thank the person for helping.
b. Set the parameters diplomatically. Thank them so much for offering this and that, say it would be great if they really can come by for helping with vacuuming or dishes. Tell them you need to leave 1 1/2 hours after they are planning to come, even if you don't tell them why (to go down the street and back), so that there is an external limit to how long they are helping.
c. No matter how much of a fix you are in, be in charge. Assertively thank them for coming, don't fall all over yourself in gratitude or go on and on about "What would you do with out them?". Instead, thank them. Make them a little card you mail them later as a thank you. Maintain the equal footing and reciprocity, no matter what you determine to be reciprocal.
d. DO NOT LET THEM increase how much they come and what they end up weighing in on, no matter how isolated or overwhelmed you are. If you do, no matter how wonderful they are, they will invariably begin feeling they have a say in telling you what to do, or admonishing you or becoming frustrated when you don't do what they think is best.
f. KEEP THOSE BOUNDARIES. IT's harder to back up than it is to hold the line.
No comments:
Post a Comment