I visit sometimes. At my age, I keep thinking of things to forgive myself for. I had no idea there were so many. Like cement blocks, tied to your ankles, dragging along .
The more I forgive myself, the more I realize ways I have not forgiven others . For small things. That don't really make sense. I disapprove of them being an issue at all .
But at 62, I'm starting to see the truth of it. It really doesn't matter what I think. It matters what it is.
Accepting it; and dealing with it. Effectively.
So I'm slowly moving through all the things I have not forgiven myself for. And gradually realizing the small tawdry things I have held against others for years. A lifetime. Secretly.
Without me knowing. I'm shedding light on them, and saying, "Oh crap. Alright. It's true. I'm holding that stupid grudge. I guess it's time to let the stupid thing go."
And then, I do.
I do, and I feel different. Fewer cement blocks, is my guess. As I forgive and let go and the weight ,where ever it's been lurking, lessens. Noticeably .
And yeah, there are the bigger ones. The van that swerved just to kill the snake making their quiet way across the road. It was a mom, or a dad in that stupid thoughtless idiot car. They just added an errant killing , just for something to do; added it without a thought to their day.
I stopped. Brought the beautiful dying creature into the woods. Sat with them til the last breath. Scared them like crazy? Maybe. We have our best intentions . We just do the best we can.
The biggest baddest meanest things to forgive? I have no idea. They look so big and bad. Some of them have caused such serious lasting malevolent injury.
To us. To others .
So I don't sweat those. I realize, like discriminating against others, that if the time comes to forgive the heinous, I will be the one to benefit.
But I don't wring my hands or feel badly. There is too much of that already , in the world .
We can each just wander along, making our way , the best we can.
Seeing what unfolds , perfectly, next.
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