Compelling, resisting, withholding and avoiding are all aspects of an attempt to achieve mastery. They don't work and they aren't helpful, but sometimes if unaware of their presence and our involvement with them, we have the illusory sense of controlling an old or current experience of some difficulty.
Finding ourselves 'resisting', as an activity unrelated to what we truly want or what truly makes sense in a situation, and realizing it IS a BEHAVIOR, is key.
We can learn to turn, and say to ourselves "Oh, I'm tired and resisting turning out the light and just going to sleep. How odd. Let me reassure myself, turn out that light, and begin to fall asleep."
Finding ourselves resisting going to the bathroom.
Discovering ourselves avoiding eating yet. Postponing adjusting our clothing to fit the temperature.
Waiting to drink some water, when we are thirsty.
When we are small people, we have very little control over our lives or circumstances. We have basic needs.
These are the dynamics we watch when we have a child or pet and their life, is lately a bit tough.
Sleep. Eating. Eliminating. Responding to physical comfort and needs.
So it falls to those needs or activities to become vulnerable to a false sense of mastery, by precluding filling needs,so as to feel we are at least in control of some things, if not earthly storms or the big circumstances of our lives.
This dynamic continues on in adulthood, can start off simply enough, and at times grow into compulsivity of food, drink or behavior, curiously withholding things from ourselves without realizing what on earth we are doing, Resisting doing things that , on the surface, seem perfectly ok and what we actually want. We realize we are avoiding for the sake of avoiding.
Settling ourselves in small ways soothes this unnamed, often unrecognized distress.
With a walk, with self-soothing common sense self talk. With journaling or taking photos or sketching or becoming interested in cooking an enjoyable meal or visiting something of interest or having tea with someone we enjoy.
Finding a way to meditate a bit does wonders. Not as a 'Oh I'm supposed to be doing this.' Rather, in little bits. On our own, with an app, with just a timer, a helpful YouTube video, or while we quietly watch ourselves breathing in , breathing out. Unwinding that which feels tense or upset.
With a distressed kid or animal, you frontload attending to basic needs.
You lengthen and smoothen the going-to-bed process, and become consistent with time.
You have meals on time that are nourishing but enjoyable, and speak of light nice things during the meal.
You casually suggest bathroom visits before going in the car or a meal or other things, and find a way to never rush them. You have nice things to read it look at so they take their time.
You create situations for regular bathing to be fun or comfortable, with something to look forward to afterward, like a favorite activity or reading a story.
All these things we can relearn to do for ourselves consciously, as adults.
We can relearn to bring our caring and awareness to how we care for ourselves.
This return is immensely reassuring, and it's settling effect makes possible the gentle loosening of compulsivity, resisting, withholding and avoiding .
The seemed necessity for engaging in those behaviors fades slowly, with the reassurance of awarely providing regular care for basic needs.
They fade like a bad dream, and certainly crop up as a most valuable alert, if we veer too far from the self care we truly need ,once again.
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